1. INDOMIE NOODLES
Indomie instant noodles is a household food brand in
Nigeria. The noodle brand offers a variety of flavours such as onions, chicken, jollof, peppersoup and
suya. Although there are other instant noodles brands like Mimi noodles,
O noodles etc in the market, indomie is regarded as the generic name of instant
noodles in the Nigerian market. You
can easily prepare the noodles meal.
Just empty the contents of the satchet(s) into your
pot of water and within ten minutes your noodle meal is ready, you can garnish
it with spices, eggs, stew, bread or even yam! Indomie noodles have saved many
lives. You are running late for work or school and there’s no time to prepare a
full meal, indomie comes to your rescue. It can be eaten as breakfast, lunch or
dinner as the case may be. 80% of those reading this post including you, yes
You! have eaten or will eat indomie later today.
There is power in a plate of indomie. Apart from
quenching hunger, it can be used to assess the wife material status of a single
lady. If a lady cannot prepare indomie noodles, be wary of her. She can’t cook
any other dish(es), run away from her!
However there are some ladies who are wonderful
cooks, they can cook the following food items.
(1) Indomie (2)Indomie
(3) Indomie
If you marry
such a wonderful cook, get prepared to be eating indomie for the rest of your
life!
PS: Hello Mr marketing manager of Dufil prima foods
I am waiting for the bank deposit. I accept only pounds and dollars, cash, no
cheques please. Oh you are giving me 20 billion dollars? No, please convert
that amount to its naira equivalent. I don’t want any wahala with Obama. You
know if 20 billion dollars enters my account today America will know because it
is their money! Send in the money and you will have me on permanent Indomie
image laundering deal.
2. ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE
Three young men are sitting at a fast food joint
discussing, two men sit next to each other inside a moving vehicle
discussing…what do you think they are discussing? Boko haram? Probably,
Revolution? No! Football? Yes football! They are discussing the English premier
league.
Nigerians love the English premier league so much
that nobody cares if there’s a Nigerian premier league. The average Nigerian youth
is either a fan of Arsenal, Manchester united, Chelsea or Liverpool clubs. On
mid-weeks & weekends, we stay glued to our tv sets in our homes, match
viewing centers and offices watching the live Epl matches on the award winning
Super sports channels.
We are interested in the transfer window deals. We
know all the intricate details of the signings of players and coaches. We have
heated arguments over the future of players. We debate whether Rosicky should be
sold for 30 million pounds against 23 million pounds being offered by Chelsea.
We throw off millions of pounds out of our lips as though they were common
place transactions that we conducted every day. Huge sums of money that we may
never earn in our lifetime.
The Nigerian fan swears at Rooney as he fails to tap
in the ball into the net from an assist by Shinji Kagawa. The Nigerian fan
depending on where his loyalty lies is either fascinated with or outraged at
Jose mourinho’s on the field and off the field theatrics.
There are two classes of Nigerian Epl supporters. We
have the “Fan” and the “fans”. The “fan” is mostly a cold headed educated young
man who supports his team with some level of moderation.
The “fans” is the thuggish & fanatical
supporter. He might be educated or a stark illiterate.
To be a “fans” you must proudly wear & display
your club’s jersey and other memorabilia at all times, you must be loud and
aggressive, you must be willing to pick a fight with anyone who dares to smear
the name of your team, your coach or any of your darling players. You must
swear and curse Howard webb for awarding the crucial penalty to Manchester
united. You must laugh at and poke fun
at Arsenal fc’s empty trophy cabinet and at Arsene wenger. You must always announce to anyone who cares
to listen that you are a “Chelsea fans” while stressing the letter “s” as you
beat your chest to sound the message home.
Whenever a player in your team misses a good chance
of scoring on the field, shout at him, he will hear your voice from the tv
screen. Threaten to substitute him, make known your disapproval of the team lineup
and formation. You can even threaten to sack the coach.
When your team wins a crucial match or trophy, you
must swing five bottles of beer in your hand in the bar and order free drinks
for all the people fortunate enough to be seating close to you at that point in
their lives.
The Nigerian “fan” & “fans” may be neck deep in
debt from losses incurred at bets placed on Nairabet and other lottery platforms. He may be lucky
occasionally at the pool tables.
The Nigerian Epl fan gets bored to death during the
month of June – August when the league is on recess.
Now that Arsenal has finally won a trophy, I might
become a “fans”.
3. SOCIAL NETWORKS
Every young Nigerian who can operate a phone is on
one social network or the other; 2go, mobofree, viber, whatsapp, badoo, wechat,
keek, facebook, twitter, bbm, instagram etc. 2go seems to be at the bottom of
the pecking order of social networks while instagram and twitter are on the top
rank.
Young Nigerians
love to talk and chat but what do we really use these networks for? Did I hear
someone shout “for connecting with friends& family?”….well…*shrugs shoulders*majority
of nigerian users of social networks are looking for hookups, yes they are
looking for love . Excuse me bro, you have been chasing this girl from
the days of Methuselah, down to the days of yahoo messenger and up till now the
age of whatsapp & bbm. She has still not agreed for you. So what makes you
think she will say “Yes” when you start stalking her instagram page? You’d
better try your luck elsewhere.
Some social media users have been able to explore
the vast world of opportunities that exist in the social media while the
majority are still stuck in the “I love you, please give me your phone number,
let me call you and show you how much I love you” category.
In a meeting you will see faces glancing down every
now and then at their devices and gadgets; replying a ping, making a facebook
comment, liking an instagram picture etc. The only guy in the room that sits erect
without touching any device is either using a Nokia torchlight phone or is 70
years old.
The Instagram app is very popular with Nigerian
girls, most especially the ones with low self esteem. Yes the ones who post 50
semi nude photos every 10 minutes to get thousands of likes &
followers. The template for being a hot Nigerian
girl on instagram is to strike a Miley cyrus-esque posture, hang out the tongue
from one corner of the mouth, snap as many pictures as possible, apply effects,
filter the pictures with the app filters, then use a combination of unrelated
hashtags for the pictures.
#Dorocute #TeamFineGirls #Throwback
#BringBackOurGirls #MoneyMakingThings #Surulere #LoveInTheAir
Are you an active user four or more social networks?
You really need to get a life! Please when you find the life give me a download
link because I need it too :D
4. INTERNET DATA PLANS
What is the use of a smartphone that is not connected
to an active internet subscription?
Our gsm service providers recognized the power of
internet and saw the impending internet bloom. They introduced the 10 mb data
plan for phones a few years ago. They now smile to the bank daily with enormous
profits. Mtn, Airtel, Glo, Etisalat, etc all have various internet plans for
all kinds of smartphones, tablets and devices. These networks give out free 10-15
mb data on airtime recharges.
After sipping garri with groundnut or dry fish, you
can sit in your one room apartment where you are squatting with a friend and
use your free 10 mb data to update your facebook status to “Chilling like a
boss at Barounge lounge, hotel El_kadi Dubai” or “Just touched down at MMI
airport” or even “At shoprite Ikeja #ShoppingTinz” on your bbm.
It is sad that in spite of our high patronage of internet
service, the internet tariff still remains one of the highest in the world. We
have to manage the miserable 1-3 gb at ridiculously high prices. Anyway, thank
God for free wifi :D
Since Nigerians want data to use in downloading
files off the internet, streaming videos and generally surfing the net the
service providers are determined to make us pay through the nose. The yellow
boys are contributing their quota in making us stay alert 24/7. You have to
wake up in the night to use the 4.5gb for 2k5 night plan subscription.
The red boys aka Airthieves, sorry Airtel have
become a nightmare to the non blackberry device users. They have not only
slashed the popular 2 gb bis data by 25% to 1.5gb, they have proceeded to gulp
up the miserable data faster than the rate at which thirsty man in the sand
dunes of the Sahara desert empties out a bottle of water thrown at him.
Let me tell you a story. I got incensed by the fact
that my 2gb bis subscription on my modem that used to last a maximum of 2 weeks
got finished in less than 4 days, so I stormed the Airtel city office to
register my displeasure.
I got inside the building and began shouting “There
is God oh! All my data that you people are chopping & sharing anyhow among
yourselves remember, there is God oh!”
One of the customer care agent turned to me and
frowned. She replied in a slightly irritated tone “Na only you waka come?”
The manager came out from his office brimming with
smiles, he apologized for the radical deductions and in a bid to placate me as
a loyal subscriber, he ordered for a 5 gb instant topup of my data to take care
of the inconveniences. I heaved a sigh of relief and smiled. The 5gb data top up sms came in immediately. Giddy
with happiness i dialed the code to check my data balance, as the 5 gb appeared
on the screen, i woke up from the dream.
There you have it!
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