Top four things used by the modern Nigerian youth

1.        INDOMIE NOODLES

Indomie instant noodles is a household food brand in Nigeria. The noodle brand offers a variety of flavours such as onions, chicken, jollof, peppersoup and suya. Although there are other instant noodles brands like Mimi noodles, O noodles etc in the market, indomie is regarded as the generic name of instant noodles in the Nigerian market. You can easily prepare the noodles meal.

Just empty the contents of the satchet(s) into your pot of water and within ten minutes your noodle meal is ready, you can garnish it with spices, eggs, stew, bread or even yam! Indomie noodles have saved many lives. You are running late for work or school and there’s no time to prepare a full meal, indomie comes to your rescue. It can be eaten as breakfast, lunch or dinner as the case may be. 80% of those reading this post including you, yes You! have eaten or will eat indomie later today.

There is power in a plate of indomie. Apart from quenching hunger, it can be used to assess the wife material status of a single lady. If a lady cannot prepare indomie noodles, be wary of her. She can’t cook any other dish(es), run away from her!

However there are some ladies who are wonderful cooks, they can cook the following food items. 

(1) Indomie  (2)Indomie  (3) Indomie

 If you marry such a wonderful cook, get prepared to be eating indomie for the rest of your life!

PS: Hello Mr marketing manager of Dufil prima foods I am waiting for the bank deposit. I accept only pounds and dollars, cash, no cheques please. Oh you are giving me 20 billion dollars? No, please convert that amount to its naira equivalent. I don’t want any wahala with Obama. You know if 20 billion dollars enters my account today America will know because it is their money! Send in the money and you will have me on permanent Indomie image laundering deal.

2.  ENGLISH PREMIER LEAGUE

Three young men are sitting at a fast food joint discussing, two men sit next to each other inside a moving vehicle discussing…what do you think they are discussing? Boko haram? Probably, Revolution? No! Football? Yes football! They are discussing the English premier league. 

Nigerians love the English premier league so much that nobody cares if there’s a Nigerian premier league. The average Nigerian youth is either a fan of Arsenal, Manchester united, Chelsea or Liverpool clubs. On mid-weeks & weekends, we stay glued to our tv sets in our homes, match viewing centers and offices watching the live Epl matches on the award winning Super sports channels.

We are interested in the transfer window deals. We know all the intricate details of the signings of players and coaches. We have heated arguments over the future of players. We debate whether Rosicky should be sold for 30 million pounds against 23 million pounds being offered by Chelsea. We throw off millions of pounds out of our lips as though they were common place transactions that we conducted every day. Huge sums of money that we may never earn in our lifetime.

The Nigerian fan swears at Rooney as he fails to tap in the ball into the net from an assist by Shinji Kagawa. The Nigerian fan depending on where his loyalty lies is either fascinated with or outraged at Jose mourinho’s on the field and off the field theatrics.

There are two classes of Nigerian Epl supporters. We have the “Fan” and the “fans”. The “fan” is mostly a cold headed educated young man who supports his team with some level of moderation.

The “fans” is the thuggish & fanatical supporter. He might be educated or a stark illiterate.

To be a “fans” you must proudly wear & display your club’s jersey and other memorabilia at all times, you must be loud and aggressive, you must be willing to pick a fight with anyone who dares to smear the name of your team, your coach or any of your darling players. You must swear and curse Howard webb for awarding the crucial penalty to Manchester united.  You must laugh at and poke fun at Arsenal fc’s empty trophy cabinet and at Arsene wenger.  You must always announce to anyone who cares to listen that you are a “Chelsea fans” while stressing the letter “s” as you beat your chest to sound the message home.

Whenever a player in your team misses a good chance of scoring on the field, shout at him, he will hear your voice from the tv screen. Threaten to substitute him, make known your disapproval of the team lineup and formation. You can even threaten to sack the coach.

When your team wins a crucial match or trophy, you must swing five bottles of beer in your hand in the bar and order free drinks for all the people fortunate enough to be seating close to you at that point in their lives.

The Nigerian “fan” & “fans” may be neck deep in debt from losses incurred at bets placed on Nairabet and  other lottery platforms. He may be lucky occasionally at the pool tables.

The Nigerian Epl fan gets bored to death during the month of June – August when the league is on recess.

Now that Arsenal has finally won a trophy, I might become a “fans”.

3.        SOCIAL NETWORKS

Every young Nigerian who can operate a phone is on one social network or the other; 2go, mobofree, viber, whatsapp, badoo, wechat, keek, facebook, twitter, bbm, instagram etc. 2go seems to be at the bottom of the pecking order of social networks while instagram and twitter are on the top rank.

 Young Nigerians love to talk and chat but what do we really use these networks for? Did I hear someone shout “for connecting with friends& family?”….well…*shrugs shoulders*majority of nigerian users of social networks are looking for hookups, yes they are looking for love . Excuse  me bro, you have been chasing this girl from the days of Methuselah, down to the days of yahoo messenger and up till now the age of whatsapp & bbm. She has still not agreed for you. So what makes you think she will say “Yes” when you start stalking her instagram page? You’d better try your luck elsewhere.

Some social media users have been able to explore the vast world of opportunities that exist in the social media while the majority are still stuck in the “I love you, please give me your phone number, let me call you and show you how much I love you” category.

In a meeting you will see faces glancing down every now and then at their devices and gadgets; replying a ping, making a facebook comment, liking an instagram picture etc. The only guy in the room that sits erect without touching any device is either using a Nokia torchlight phone or is 70 years old.

The Instagram app is very popular with Nigerian girls, most especially the ones with low self esteem. Yes the ones who post 50 semi nude photos every 10 minutes to get thousands of likes & followers.  The template for being a hot Nigerian girl on instagram is to strike a Miley cyrus-esque posture, hang out the tongue from one corner of the mouth, snap as many pictures as possible, apply effects, filter the pictures with the app filters, then use a combination of unrelated hashtags for the pictures.

#Dorocute #TeamFineGirls #Throwback #BringBackOurGirls #MoneyMakingThings #Surulere #LoveInTheAir

Are you an active user four or more social networks? You really need to get a life! Please when you find the life give me a download link because I need it too :D

4.      INTERNET DATA PLANS

What is the use of a smartphone that is not connected to an active internet subscription?

Our gsm service providers recognized the power of internet and saw the impending internet bloom. They introduced the 10 mb data plan for phones a few years ago. They now smile to the bank daily with enormous profits. Mtn, Airtel, Glo, Etisalat, etc all have various internet plans for all kinds of smartphones, tablets and devices. These networks give out free 10-15 mb data on airtime recharges.

After sipping garri with groundnut or dry fish, you can sit in your one room apartment where you are squatting with a friend and use your free 10 mb data to update your facebook status to “Chilling like a boss at Barounge lounge, hotel El_kadi Dubai” or “Just touched down at MMI airport” or even “At shoprite Ikeja #ShoppingTinz” on your bbm.

It is sad that in spite of our high patronage of internet service, the internet tariff still remains one of the highest in the world. We have to manage the miserable 1-3 gb at ridiculously high prices. Anyway, thank God for free wifi :D

Since Nigerians want data to use in downloading files off the internet, streaming videos and generally surfing the net the service providers are determined to make us pay through the nose. The yellow boys are contributing their quota in making us stay alert 24/7. You have to wake up in the night to use the 4.5gb for 2k5 night plan subscription.

The red boys aka Airthieves, sorry Airtel have become a nightmare to the non blackberry device users. They have not only slashed the popular 2 gb bis data by 25% to 1.5gb, they have proceeded to gulp up the miserable data faster than the rate at which thirsty man in the sand dunes of the Sahara desert empties out a bottle of water thrown at him.

Let me tell you a story. I got incensed by the fact that my 2gb bis subscription on my modem that used to last a maximum of 2 weeks got finished in less than 4 days, so I stormed the Airtel city office to register my displeasure.

I got inside the building and began shouting “There is God oh! All my data that you people are chopping & sharing anyhow among yourselves remember, there is God oh!”

One of the customer care agent turned to me and frowned. She replied in a slightly irritated tone “Na only you waka come?”

The manager came out from his office brimming with smiles, he apologized for the radical deductions and in a bid to placate me as a loyal subscriber, he ordered for a 5 gb instant topup of my data to take care of the inconveniences. I heaved a sigh of relief and smiled.  The 5gb data top up sms came in immediately. Giddy with happiness i dialed the code to check my data balance, as the 5 gb appeared on the screen, i woke up from the dream.

There you have it! 

WIFE INTERNSHIP (3)

Days rolled into weeks, weeks rolled into months and the months rolled into years. Although Chioma was fully certain that her place as Nnamdi’s future spouse was established, she was getting worried because he had not still proposed or talked about any concrete marriage plans yet. Both of them were in the final year of their academic program in the university. Her microbiology course was a four years program in Esut while Nnamdi’s architecture was a five year program. By her calculations she had been living with him for close to three years.

Three years in which she had consistently warded off advances and proposals from other guys. Three years in she had gotten pregnant once for Nnamdi and aborted the baby. He had convinced her that keeping the baby would be an unwanted distraction to their education. He had taken her to a clinic to get rid of it. She had followed him like a meek lamb following the shepherd.

“Everything will be alright” the doctor had assured her before he injected  her with an anesthesia and rolled her  into the operation room. So it was; the act was done. The guilty feeling that came from the realization that she had willingly taken the life of an innocent baby had taken hold of her and she had spent gloomy days crying her eyes out. Nnamdi was around to reassure her that it was the best decision to have been taken. No one else would know, not even her parents.

Chioma had a new concern. Nnamdi was becoming increasingly secretive and was picking faults randomly at her. He complained about her cooking, about her wearing native dresses, about her hair, about her behavior, things he never used to complain about. This was all new to her. He still showed signs of affection for her but she sensed that he was hiding something from her, something he didn’t want her to find out….

“Chioma I will have a special visitor tomorrow” Nnamdi announced to her in a brisk manner on a Friday evening.

“Oh, who is the person?”

“A family friend”

“Okay, what time is the person coming?”

“In the afternoon. She will be coming over from Umuahia. She has a crucial business to conduct in Enugu here so she will be staying till Monday morning. I don’t know if one of your friends can accommodate you this weekend. You know we don’t have much space in this house! Besides this family friend will scandalize me to my parents and all my relations if she knows that I am living with a girl in this house. She is the type that does not keep secrets” Nnamdi said in a suggestive tone that indicated he didn’t want Chioma around.

The flames of suspicion quickly flared up in Chioma’s mind. What kind of special female family friend would be coming to spend two days in Enugu with Nnamdi? It was obvious Nnamdi didn’t want her to meet this lady for reasons best known to him. She could see the look of excitement in Nnamdi’s eyes, he was actually looking forward to this visit. Maybe Nnamdi was seeing another girl…..

“Nnamdi tell me the truth, are you expecting your new girlfriend to arrive tomorrow? Tell me now because it won’t be funny if you are lying to me” She said as she raised her voice in a menacing tone.

“How dare you accuse me of infidelity! I have been with you all these years and didn’t go after other girls, is it now that we are rounding up in school that I will start chasing other girls?” Nnamdi responded in anger.

“I am sorry dear. I will go to Daisy’s place tonight”.

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It rained all Saturday morning the kind of endless and annoying rain that was destined to fall throughout the day. It wasn’t a torrential rain but it fell just strong enough to discourage anyone who didn’t have a congent reason for venturing outside from doing so.

Chioma lay on a mattress positioned on the rug carpet in Daisy’s room. A wrapper was draped round her body in a bid to beat the cold weather. Daisy was up fixing a cup of tea for breakfast.

Chioma’s thoughts went back to Nnamdi. She was certainly convinced that he wanted her out of the way. His recent fault finding actions were ominous signs of a crack in their relationship. He was probably tired of the relationship. Daisy had advised her to apply caution and not be unnecessarily combative so as not to break up what she had built over the years.

The fear of the unknown kept gnawing in her mind throughout the morning. She just had to see the female family friend to confirm whether she was a threat to her peace and security and to determine her next line of action. Despite protestations from Daisy, Chioma braved the harsh weather in the afternoon and made her way to Nnamdi’s place. Fortunately a lone taxi was plying the route.

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They didn’t even bother to lock the door.

Chioma opened the door and walked in boldly. Her fears was confirmed when she saw a young girl sitting astride Nnamdi’s laps on the big cushion chair.

Chioma stood rooted at the spot staring at the scene that greeted her eyes.

“You don’t have a right to barge in like this. You should have at least knocked” Nnamdi said as he quickly recovered from the shock of Chioma’s entry. He quickly stood up to his feet.

The girl was the most beautiful girl Chioma had ever seen. Tall with a creamy complexion, a pair of penetrating almond shaped eyes, an exquisite long nose that tapered at the nostrils. She resembled a Barbie doll with her long yellow laps sticking out from her mini skirt. She looked not older than 20 years.

“I am sorry Chioma. It had to be this way. My hands are tied”

“Meet Ogechi my fiancée”

“Ogechi meet my friend Chioma”

Chioma stood speechless. What she heard was incredulous, almost unbelievable. For the first time the scales fell off her eyes and she saw Nnamdi for who he truly was. The love she had for him evaporated like petrol poured on the back of her palms. She had been misled and deceived all these years in the name of love.

“Are you telling me that this girl is your wife to be?” she asked him with her mouth wide agape.

“Yes, Ogechi was chosen by parents as my wife four years ago. She is the first daughter of my dad’s business partner. I thought you knew that our relationship wasn’t going to last beyond the four walls of this school”

“Darling what is going on here, who is she to you?” the girl Ogechi questioned Nnamdi with a worried look on her face.

“You lying scum, you cheat, you deceiver, how dare you!” Chioma seethed with rage as she walked menacingly towards Nnamdi who swiftly moved backwards positioning himself behind the couch.

“So you are the girl who has been forcing herself on my fiancée?” Ogechi interrogated Chioma waving her fingers contemptuously at the older lady.

Chioma boiled with anger. This self righteous girl was downright insultive. She turned and addressed her.

“This man here is my boyfriend. I have been living with him for close to three years in this very house! You are just coming out of the blues to claim my man. Who the hell do you think you are?!”

All hell broke loose.

Chioma screamed with wounded pride at Nnamdi

 “I hate you betrayer, you lying cheat. You had the nerve to sweet talk me into moving in with you when you knew you were never going to marry me!”

She rushed to his side and gave him a quick blow on the cheek. He recoiled with pain and shoved her aside. Her left toe hit the wooden base of the couch and she winced as the pain shot up through her body.

 Chioma tried to steady her footing on the ground. Her eyes fell upon a glass tumbler that was lying on a side-stool. She took it up and threw it at Nnamdi’s head. The loud thud and shattering of the glass tumbler indicated that the object had indeed found its mark on Nnamdi’s head. He slumped to the floor holding his head in his hands with a shocked look in his eyes. Ogechi shouted and rushed in to tackle Chioma. Chioma kicked Ogechi’s legs in a move to sweep her off the floor. The girl staggered and managed to land a piercing blow on Chioma’s stomach. Both ladies fell on the floor and engaged themselves in a fierce ground combat. Ogechi clawed wildly at Chioma’s face. Chioma got the upper hand and clamped down her opponent to the floor while trying to get her face out of harm’s way. Her right hand was locked around Ogechi’s neck squeezing with all her strength. It was a gruelling struggle. Chioma suddenly felt warm blood trickling down her left eye and loosened her grip as Ogechi’s long fingernails poked into her eyes. 

Nnamdi stood up from the floor and came in-between the two girls to separate them. He pulled Ogechi away to a corner of the room and ran back to engage Chioma. He kicked her several times while yelling out….

“Never you touch my fiancée again!”

“The b***h nearly strangled me” Ogechi cursed out as she rubbed her neck while breathing heavily.

“Get out of my house!” Nnamdi ordered Chioma who clung to him gripping his shirt with both hands.

“I will not leave this house!” She replied defiantly “this is my house too!” Her fighting power was in full force. She was up on her feet with her chest heaving. The anger gave her additional strength.

The commotion brought out a few curious neighbours who stared at the proceedings through their windows and front doors.

Nnamdi as if on cue ran inside the bedroom and brought out Chioma’s luggage and bags and threw them out of the door.

Chioma watched incensed as her bags were flung out. A destructive dark anger possessed her. She lifted up the side stool and brought it down with full force on the cuvet glass center table. The strike effectively split the table into two identical halves. Ogechi scurried towards her and gave a soft punch on the face. They grappled with each other and plunged once again on the floor. Grunting, sweating, their dresses torn into shreds exposing bare flesh. Chioma fought wildly as if her life depended on it. She was slowly gaining ground on the girl and in a short while was seated atop her. Chioma’s teeth sank into Ogechi’s exposed breast.

Ogechi let out a loud howl of pain and almost passed out. Nnamdi came to her rescue with a stout stick in his hand. He yanked Chioma’s up by her hair and brought up the stick in a hot fury to deliver a deadly blow to Chioma’s head. Fortunately for Chioma she dodged just in time as the stout stick landed on the floor.

“You used me for the past two years and you think you can abandon me just like that. I am no longer attractive to you! Do you know how many men I have turned down because of you?” Chioma sobbed. Her left eye had swollen up in size.

 She staggered on her feet and got to the cabinet where Nnamdi kept his dvd plates. She quickly opened the cabinet and threw out the disc tapes one after the other in a crazed spree. She stepped on them and broke them.

“How dare you destroy my Original Slim Shady Lp collection? Do you know how difficult it is to find them in the stores? I told you once that I am an Eminem Stan. I will show you how a Stan behaves! He dashed inside and came out with a kitchen knife and charged at her trying to pin her to the wall.

Chioma mustered all her strength and ran out of the front door followed by Nnamdi in hot pursuit. The chase was short-lived as Nnamdi had a change of heart retreated inside to attend to his wounded fiancée. The game was up.

The irony of her present situation struck Chioma’s mind as she stood drenched under the pouring rain gasping for breath. Two years ago she was rushing to get into the house, now she was running from the house, chased away by the very same person who welcomed her in with open arms. Pairs of eyes from the neighbourhood were watching her keenly from all directions.

Angela was right after all. She should have listened to her. All the years she had been doing wife internship for Nnamdi thinking that will make him love her more and cement her place in his heart as his wife not knowing that her value in his eyes was diminishing as the years went by.

How will she face her colleagues and friends in school after this, especially the toasters who labeled her as a proud and headstrong girl when she waved off their advances?

What will she tell them when they ask about her and her relationship with Nnamdi?

Bad news spread very fast in the campus and she will be the topic of gossip at all corners.

 Heartbroken, bruised eyed, wounded in spirit, sobbing and soaked by the rain Chioma shuffled across the lawn, dragged her things from under the rain and staggered in the direction of the main road back to Daisy’s small room.

THE END

WIFE INTERNSHIP (2)

The following weekend Chioma visited Nnamdi once again.  He suggested to her to move into the house and live with him as a live-in lover. She pondered over the idea over in her mind. It was risky and at the same time irresistible. If she moved in, she still had the option of moving out anytime she wanted.

Daisy, Immaculata and Onyinye told her to take her time and study Nnamdi more before she made the big move. They told her to defer her response till the next school year. There was no need to hurry as the second semester was about ending. Love could wait.

Nnamdi appeared hurt by her decline to move in but she reassured him that her love for him was strong and unwavering as ever.

The death knell sounded on the semester as the exams were concluded and students left the campus for the one month holiday.

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Year two began on a positive note for Chioma. The last semester results were pasted on the first week of the new school year. A colleague of her’s checked Chioma’s result and sent the summary of the grades to her. The results indicated that she was doing extremely well. She couldn’t wait to see her love Nnamdi.  They had been communicating on phone and on bbm chat daily. Chioma’s parents were honest civil servants and strict disciplinarians who frowned upon male visits to their simple country home in Awka. As such Nnamdi couldn’t visit Chioma at home. When she informed him that she was in Enugu, he drove to the park to pick her up.

Chioma stood with her luggage at the passengers waiting section of the park waiting for Nnamdi. Then she saw him. The Audi pulled up behind a bus at the driveway of the park. He came out of the vehicle wearing a green stock shirt atop a black chinos trouser. She ran down and flew into his arms as soon as he started moving towards her direction. He threw his arms around her in a tight hug and spun her around. The adrenaline coursed through their veins. They kissed. The dam was broken and the rivers of love gushed out. It was a long lingering moment of passion where she wanted nothing else but him. She wanted to ride the crests and troughs of his tidal waves, to carry his seeds within her.

“We are in public Nnamdi!” Chioma managed to say while putting a restraining hand across Nnamdi’s chest.  This was her first public display of affection.

“We both got overwhelmed. Nnamdi replied breathing heavily as he adjusted the collar of his shirt “Let’s carry your things into the car”.

Her two luggages and a big Ghana must go bag containing food items were hauled into the boot of the audi.

“I missed you Chioma. You liked what happened few minutes ago didn’t you?” He asked her with a mischievous twinkling look in his eyes.

“Yes, but you pushed me to it’

“Relax sweetheart, there’s more coming from where that came from” he replied with a broad smile.

Chioma grinned. They were heading straight for Nnamdi’s apartment, she wasn’t leaving anytime soon. She was finally ready.

Nnamdi’s car manoeuvred its way out of the hordes of vehicles in the park and pulled into the main road.

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“Chioma! why are you no longer staying in the hostel with us? What is this gist i am hearing about you living with a man who isn’t your husband? Angela, Chioma’s former hostel room-mate pulled her aside at the faculty of social sciences course registration office.

“Nnamdi is my boyfriend. We love each other. He has promised to marry me” She replied in her defence.

“Chum chum, I know you are in love but it is morally wrong. You know our Christian faith frowns upon cohabitation. This guy has not paid any dowry on your head. You shouldn’t be living with him as his wife”

“Angela you have never been in love. You have never known how it feels to be with the person you love. When you experience this emotion called love you will begin to see things from my point of view”.

“I know how you feel my dear but what is wrong is wrong and what is right is right! If you want to stay off campus you should rent a house for yourself or share a room with one of your friends. Are your parents even aware that you are no longer staying in the school hostel?”

“Thanks for your concern Angela. I want you to leave my parents out of this. Who even told you this gist? If it is Amanda that sharp-mouth girl with two flat slippers she calls her breast, you should be careful. If I tell you the things she has said about you to me you will be shocked!” Chioma cautioned Angela as she briskly walked away.

It had been over two months of her stay with Nnamdi. Nnamdi had given her the assurance that he would marry her when he enters his final year. She believed him because she was sure that he truly loved her. Life with Nnamdi as a live-in lover has been good so far. They have grown to know each other, their likes and dislikes. They have had few quarrels which they have settled themselves. They have undertaken the house chores together, splitting the tasks among themselves. Her major task was the cooking of meals, laundry work and attending to his sexual needs. The latter was tasking but she was learning fast. He was the first man to tap into her treasure.

The house was comfortable. Nnamdi was splashing money on her. The pocket money she got from her parents was directed to her savings account in the bank.

Her friends were not too pleased with her decision to move in with Nnamdi as it meant they had less time to spend with her but she wasn’t too worried. She made it up to them in different ways. They borrowed money and different items at will from her. She was sure Nnamdi will propose soon.

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Nnamdi walked into the kitchen and opened the three pots that laid on the stand one after the other. All of them were stark empty and hollow. His stomach protested as the rumblings increased. He was tired and stressed up. He had spent the whole day in the studio with his colleagues drawing architectural plans and designs.  He walked out from the kitchen door and ventured into the backyard where Chioma was sitting. The backyard was a large space at the back of the building accommodating few household items, some buckets and jerry cans, brooms, a rickety table, a small Gp tank placed under a sloppy part of the long span roof to collect rain water whenever it rains, a variety of clothes hung on a line placed over a stack of cement blocks.

Chioma was sitting on a wooden stool bent over a tray humming a song. An Etus earphone was stuck in her ears. Her African print wrapper was firmly tied in a knot around her waist. On the veranda was an enamel basin filled with ugwu leaves. She was slicing the leaves on a wooden chopstone inside the tray. Tiny bits of the leaves stuck to her arms.

“Why is my food not ready?” Nnamdi queried in an angry tone.

“Welcome honey, i didn’t notice when you came in. Food will soon be ready. Chioma greeted him and removed the earpiece from her ear.

“It is almost 7 pm! Are you telling me that there’s nothing for me to eat in this house?” Nnamdi thundered as his eyes glowed with fury.

“Nnamdi biko try and understand. Why are you talking like this? Both of us are students. I got home barely one hour ago” Chioma pleaded.

“I don’t want to understand! Today has been stressful for me and all I expect is to be served with food whenever I get home. That is why I have you here!”

The harsh retort kindled the flames of anger that was slowly gathering steam in Chioma’s chest. She threw aside the knife and got up to her feet. Her temper was rising.

“Nwanem I am not your wife, you have not paid any dowry on my head! Today has been very stressful for me. We had chained lectures right from 9 am in the morning till 3 pm. I was about leaving the school gates to head to Little junction market when Daisy called to inform me that the bald headed Professor Udeze was about to give an impromptu test. I had to run down to the lecture hall to write the test only for the wicked man to refuse to collect half of the test scripts, mine inclusive. You should have seen the way we followed him to his office begging for close to an hour before he agreed to collect the scripts. So when you talk about stress bear in mind that…..”

She broke off in mid sentence when she found out that Nnamdi wasn’t listening to her. He was walking away. He stood and raised his hands and shouted.

“Excuses, excuses, all the time!”

She could hear the revving of the Audi engine and the banging of the door as he drove off.

Chioma tried to fight back the tears from her eyes. Nnamdi was taking her for granted.

Nnamdi returned by 10pm, the longest time he had spent out ever since she moved in with him. Chioma was lying on the couch.

“Sweetheart” he whispered as he reached out to touch her.

“Don’t touch me!! Chioma yelled. She got up and made a beeline for the bedroom.

He followed her in hot pursuit.

She lay on the bed putting a pillow over her head.

“I am very sorry sweetheart. I shouldn’t have talked to you like that. I will make it up to you on your birthday!! I promise I will organize a quality birthday bash for you!”

 He reached out and slowly pulled the pillow away and proceeded to nibble on her ear lobes; the most erogenous part of her body, her weakest point.

Chioma caved in and in a short while they were wrestling in between the bed-sheets. A pleasant kind of wrestling that they were used to.

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“Angela how are you?”

“Eiii Chum chum see as you fat o, wetin you dey chop sef” Angela said grinning at Chioma.

“Na God o”

“Your boyfriend don dey give you another kind of food shebi?”

They laughed out heartily.

Chioma had gone visiting Onyinye in her hostel room. Onyinye had informed her that Angela was in the next room so she had dropped in to check up on Angela.

“Angela I just came to say hi”

“Thank you my sister, this one wey you remember me today, any beta?

“Beta tinz dey house, come carry dem”

“Chum chum where are you staying now?”

“I am still living with Nnamdi”

“Give me the address, I will visit you one of these days sha, make I follow chop wetin you dey chop” Angela said with a sly smile and continued “seriously i still maintain my stance. It is not right for you to keep living with and perform wifely duties for a man you ain’t married to.”

“Angela ahn ahn you sef, you no dey tire to talk one thing all the time? Dalu….i have heard you.” Chioma said in a derisive tone as she hastened to leave the room.

“Chioma you know an old woman is always uneasy whenever dry bones are mentioned in a conversation’

“Na you sabi that one!”

“Babe I am Sorry if I am too harsh” By the way what did Amanda tell you about me……?

“Don’t worry, what you don’t know won’t kill you”

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Chioma’s 22^nd Birthday bash was held at Frazzers, an elite club located close to the Gra in the heart of the city. Two mean looking bouncers manned the entrance to the hall. The interior of the club house was a large circular shaped hall with a high tech Led nightclub lighting system which emitted multi coloured streams of light rays around the hall. Dj Magic fingers the in-house dj was at his spot scratching and mixing the latest hits on the turntable. The club had an Ac cooling system installed at different points to cool the patrons. A couple of early birds were on the dance floor twisting their limbs and bodies as they struggled to out-dance each other.

Chioma was attired in a short white satin dress looking radiant and beautiful. She was slightly tipsy. Nnamdi had advised her to take a little more than her usual dose of alcohol to make her loosen up and become carefree. At the back of her mind she secretly hoped Nnamdi would use the occasion of her birthday to make a formal and public marriage proposal.

Attendance was strictly by invitation. The invited guests were carefully chosen from a small pool of Chioma and Nnamdi’s friends as the club was an exclusive club. Nnamdi had spent a lot of money to secure the venue.

 Chioma’s three friends; Onyinye, Immaculata and Daisy were present. Angela had declined the invitation, saying she didn’t buy the idea of celebrating a birthday in a clubhouse.

The young man sat cap in hand at the back row of the club hoping to catch a glimpse of the celebrant. He had been one of her secrets admirers and fancied her for himself. He was an oil company worker who needed a wife. His investigations revealed that she was in a relationship with a guy named Nnamdi. He thought it was one of the commonplace campus relationships with short lifespan that fizzled out when both parties got fed up. He had tried chatting her up several times. She had told him she was engaged to Nnamdi. He backed off when he found out she was living with the Nnamdi guy. Now he was at her birthday party to observe things.

The drinks flowed endlessly from the wine bar in the club. There was a suya spot outside on the club grounds on hand to cater for the suya needs of the guests. It was an atmosphere of frolicking and partying.

The crowd at the dance floor swelled up in size as Nnamdi hit the floor with Chioma for a special dance session. They stood in the center with other dancers forming a ring around them.

The Dj slotted in Flavour’s baby oku.

“The way you are looking tonight/I swear you too tight

Baby mo/and everybody wanna mingle/because you just single

But you made it clear to them that I am your number one

You took my heart away/you set my soul on fire

You are my heart desire.

Baby you too hot o

Baby oku

Baby eme mi fe…”

It was a slow sensual dance as they swayed to the rhythm of the music. Chioma danced with careless abandon in Nnamdi’s arms. Clasped in Nnamdi’s arms she was happy and secure. She didn’t care about what the naysayers said about her living with him. Their love was all what mattered, everything else paled into oblivion. Nnamdi’s hands ran down her body caressing the small of her back and gradually circled around her hips. She brought up her head to the same level as his and he slowly kissed her. She savoured the moment as pulsating tremors ran down her body. It was her second public display of affection. This time around she didn’t care if people were watching her.

The young man sitting at the back stared at the couple with an envious look. He shook his head and replaced his cap on his head and left the club, a disappointed man.

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TO BE CONTINUED

WIFE INTERNSHIP

ALL RIGHTS RESERVED  (LEROI 2014)

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 Chioma sat on the blue plastic seat around the patio table with her friends on the grounds of the outdoor restaurant located in New Haven, a major urban suburb of Enugu city. The cool evening breeze blew strongly through the venue ruffling a few strands of her long soft hair. A tiny fly blown by the wind found its way into her left eye. She quickly picked up her small beaded bag and brought out a face mirror. She looked into the mirror and with the help of a white handkerchief proceeded to remove the offending fly that was lying on the tip of her lower eyelid. The reflection of her pretty face in the mirror held her attention for a while as she closely examined the outline of her face.

A chocolate complexioned young lady with an oval shaped face. Two gentle eyes that had an air of mystique and innocence about them, a flat shaped nose with tiny nostrils, full sensual lips with traces of red lipstick on the edges. The lips opened up every now and then to reveal a perfect set of white teeth. Two silvered coloured earrings hung on her ear lobes. Her short orange coloured baroque print dress fitted her slender body frame. Her two facial blemishes were perfectly concealed by the makeup on her face. She smiled with satisfaction as she admired the reflection. It was a Friday night and she was having a Girls night out with her friends.

The beep on her blackberry Curve 5 lying on the table drew her attention away from the mirror. She took it up. A new Facebook inbox message. She read the content of the message and curved her lips in a suppressed smile. She showed it to her three friends who were directing inquiring looks at her. They took turns to read it and giggled. A middle aged man with a bald head wearing a white singlet on his profile picture was imploring her in a mixture of pidgin & barely legible English to meet him at an eatery for a date that night. Her three friends doubled over with laughter as she scrolled up and showed them his earlier messages where he was showering her with praises for “looking very buerifool like an angle and shinjing like the moon”.

She stretched her long slender fingers and took up her vanilla ice cream cone wrapped in a foil lying on the flowery patterned tray. Her tongue attacked the chilled vanilla cream heaped on top of the pastry cone. She closed her eyes as the cream melted in her mouth and the delicious goodness spread through every fiber of her being.

She was living the cool life of a university undergraduate. She was young, sexy, wild and free.

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The young man sat at the table close to the live band. His eyes kept darting between the table at his far right and his table. He had been trying to establish eye contact with the chocolate complexioned young lady who was lapping up the cream cone ever since he came into the arena. A tall dark complexioned fellow, he had a clean shaven look with a thin line of side burns which ran down on both sides of his face to meet the small tuft of hair on his sharp chin. He was dressed in a white polo on top of a baggy blue jean trouser, with a beige Timberland boots to match. His fez cap lying on the table was all what he needed to complete the look of his favourite hiphop rapper Eminem.

As he stared at the young girl he noticed her eyes were shut for a brief moment and his fascination with her increased instantly. The air of innocence complemented by her pretty looks enthralled him. From his vantage position he studied her. She looked quite different from the other three girls seated with her, a homely yet sexy look. She was the type of girl he wanted.

 “Catch them young” was his motto and she looked young enough.

He sat debating in his mind on how to make a move on her without involving her friends. Despite the fact that he was hugely experienced in chatting up members of the opposite sex, he always felt uneasy when approaching a new target especially when she was in the midst of her friends. It was unnerving but it had to be done. He knew he was attractive and charisma, all he needed was five minutes alone with her to work his charms on her.

Another long glance at her direction brought joy into his heart. She was sitting alone at the table. Her companions had made their way to the dance floor escorted by male partners.

It was time to make the move.

He reached out and took huge gulps of the canned Gulder beer to boost his confidence level. He took a deep breath and walked straight to her table.

“Hello, good evening, can I talk to you for a short while?”

“Talk?” She said sizing him up with a calm look. “well…i can spare you five minutes”

“Thank you”. He pulled the plastic chair opposite her and sat down.

“I am Nnamdi, I saw you when you in here. I’ll like us to be friends” he said flashing a charming smile.

“Were we enemies before?” She replied with a coy smile.

“No, we were strangers but right now we should be friends” Nnamdi said stressing the word friends. He was leaning over to her hoping to work his charm and charisma on her.

The lady stared at the guy sitting opposite. He was undoubtedly attractive. His red lips was sending chills down her spine.

“I like your confidence, it is not every guy that is bold enough to approach a lady the way you did” she suddenly said.

“Thank you and it is not every lady that will calmly attend to a guy that walks up to her. So what is your name?” He inquired.

“I am Chioma”

“What a cool name! Your name means God is good. It reminds me of this song we used to sing in church; 

"God is good to me he is good to you hallelujah!’”

She laughed out heartily.

The familiarity in their conversation was creeping in fast, the connection was instant. They conversed as if they were old time friends. Both of them felt strangely drawn to each other. The five minutes time span Chioma gave to Nnamdi stretched to twenty minutes.

From their conversation they found out that both of them were students. Chioma was a Year one student of Enugu state university of science and technology studying Food science & technology while Nnamdi was an Architecture student in his second year in the same school.

“Let’s dance” Nnamdi was suggesting to Chioma as he pointed to the live band who were playing some highlife beats.

“Why should I dance with you? I have only known you for few minutes” Chioma gave him a surprised look.

“You should dance with me because we are friends now. Today has been my lucky day so why not make it my luckiest day by dancing with me” Nnamdi said flashing a flirtatious smile that was directed at breaking her stern resolve.

She hit the table playfully as she declined the tempting offer.

“No.…go away! Don’t push your luck too far. I am waiting for my friends and I think your five minutes is far spent”

“Alright, we will chat next time?” Nnamdi said with a shrug. “It was nice chatting with you Chioma. Have a wonderful evening”.

He left the table. It had been a fruitful evening. She had given him her blackberry messenger pin and phone number. He left the table with the knowledge that Chioma wanted to meet him again. The subtle hints and clues she dropped in the conversation were crystal clear. As he got back to his table he turned in her direction; her eyes were trailing him.

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Chioma’s was ruminating on the chance meeting with Nnamdi as she lay on her bunk in Block A female hostel room 4 in Agbani campus later that Friday night. Chioma was used to being hit on by guys and turning down their advances at the drop of a hat. However with Nnamdi there was something unique about him that made her drop her contact details with him without any hesitation. It had to do with his personality. He was good looking, chivalrous and from the look of things would be a fun person to be with.

“Be careful of guys in this school. Don’t be deceived by their looks and sweet talks. They are all deadly. They will only use and dump you!”

That was the advice the senior colleagues often gave to year one female students. With Nnamdi she felt she throw the caution in the wind. She knew right within herself that she would like to see him again. She had fallen for him. That was the truth. She would wait for his call and ping.

“Chum chum what is it? You are looking quite pensive tonight” Angela a friend & fellow roommate questioned walked up to and questioned her.

“Oh it is nothing Angela. I am just tired. I had a stressful day”.

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Life on campus is simple as long as you have your set goals and work towards fulfilling them. Campus life could however be overwhelming for the year one undergraduate. Chioma’s goal right from the onset of her admission into Enugu state university of science and technology was to graduate with a good result. This goal determined her choice of friends and companions. Her closest friends Daisy, Onyinye and Immaculata were of similar mindset. They were girls who studied hard and partied hard while fending off advances from the opposite sex with ease.

With Nnamdi getting into her life, it was obvious that she would have to shift grounds to accommodate him. She only hoped his entry won’t disrupt her normative life routine. That four lettered word Love was a strong disruptive emotion.

The first official date with Nnamdi was on a wet and chilly Thursday night. Nnamdi had waited for Chioma at the common room of her hostel. By the time she finished dressing up and was finally ready to set out with him, the time had gone to 7 pm. Chioma was a little nervous and was pleasantly surprised to find out that Nnamdi had a car; an Audi Q7.  He drove her to Carly cooks, a new restaurant in town that was the rave of the moment. The restaurant was located along Independence layout, a cool classy place. Smartly dressed waiters provided professional and courteous service to the customers. Nnamdi and Chioma sat in an enclosure shielded by giant artificial flowers, listening to the soft melodious tunes playing on the sound system while waiting for the waiters to attend to them. They knew they were about to enter a defining moment in their life.

Chioma ordered lobster rice salad with chicken wings from the menu. Nnamdi played the perfect gentleman. He ordered same meal alongside two chilled bottles of Eva wine.

 “Tell me more about yourself”.

Chioma asked Nnamdi as she reclined in her seat. The atmosphere in the restaurant was very relaxing. She was worried about how little she knew about him.

Nnamdi from his short narration was 26 years, the first son of an Onitsha based couple. His parents were into several lines of businesses. They were wealthy and he was being groomed to take over the family’s car importation business. He was a hiphop lover, an ardent Eminem fan, he was considering going into the music scene as a rapper.

“Why do you like Eminem? Chioma suddenly asked.

“You are very observant’ he replied with a knowing smile. Chioma must have observed the Slim shady bangle on his left arm.

I like his rap music, he raps about issues I can relate with. I am an Eminem Stan!"

“What is an Eminem Stan?” Chioma interrogated.

“It is just a term for anyone who is a dedicated fan. Eminem rapped about Stan in one of his hit tracks.

“I don’t know what it is with you guys and hiphop” Chioma shrugged her shoulders and continued “I don’t like rap music, I don’t even like Eminem! He raps with so much anger.

Whenever I listen to his songs I can’t understand why he is so angry”. I love R&B music…Songs by Chris brown, Trey songz, Celine dion, Bruno mars etc….They bring out the emotions in me, the mushy side of me gets released whenever I listen to their tunes” she said in a low tone.

 Nnamdi was leaning over her and had taken up her left palm in his.

“Talking about emotions Chioma, how about discussing our emotions? Chioma I love you! I know this may be coming a little too fast but I feel it deep within me. Right from the first day I saw you at the outdoor restaurant i have been having this strong conviction that you are the one for me!” He proclaimed passionately looking deep into her eyes.

If Chioma was a Caucasian lady, Nnamdi would have seen the deep blush that appeared on her face.

“I..i don’t know what to say” Chioma replied averting her eyes from his, trying to avoid the fire that was burning in Nnamdi’s eyes.

“Sweetheart just say ‘Yes’…I know you feel the same way I do. I can see it in your eyes” Nnamdi whispered as he brought his face two inches closer to hers.

“I….well…..i am just overwhelmed…..Yes I love you too!” Chioma blurted out. She couldn’t keep it to herself anymore that she was in love with Nnamdi.

His red lips was sending shivers down her spine.

Nnamdi stroked her hands tenderly while she looked down staring shyly into her plate of lobster rice. It was a new beginning for them.

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The relationship was in full steam, a whirlwind romance experience for the two lovers. They were virtually inseparable. All their friends and colleagues on campus knew that they were lovers. The date nights were long and many, short walks at night, excursion to romantic beaches.  Nnamdi showered gifts on Chioma. Chioma had never felt so much in love in her life. She was willing to do anything, willing to make any sacrifice for Nnamdi.

 On a Friday evening close to one month after the start of their relationship Nnamdi  made a request as they strolled out of Kunis central plaza walking hand in hand .

“When are you coming to visit me at my place?”

“Whenever you invite me!” Chioma replied.

It was odd that Nnamdi had not invited her to his house ever since they began dating. All their meetings were in the school environment, restaurants & hangouts in the city and in public parks. She knew Nnamdi had a cozy apartment somewhere in town. She had asked him about it once, she wanted to know where it was but she got a lukewarm response from Nnamdi. She didn’t feel the need to press the issue further as she knew that it will come up naturally one day.

“You should come tonight but you will have to sleep over”

“Sleep over?” Chioma raised her eyebrows. Their one month old relationship was not consummated. She had told him that she was not ready yet when he made a near fatal move on her. The closest they had gotten to consummation were light pecks and smooching. Nnamdi always exhibited a great deal of self control. He was willing to wait for her.

Sleeping over made her feel apprehensive. She had not been with a man before, she was like a fresh untapped palm tree. Can she still trust Nnamdi?

“Why tonight?”

“Sweetheart I think it is proper that you should know where I live. I promise nothing untoward will happen. You should spend this weekend with me. I will be a gentle man as always. Just come and know my place that’s all!” Nnamdi appealed.

“Hmmn...this sounds tempting…but if that is the case then I am game. It is weird that I don’t even know where my boyfriend lives! I’ll definitely come!”

Nnamdi gleefully cupped her face in his hands and slowly nibbled on her earlobes. She liked it whenever he did so. Her earlobes were the most sensitive part of her body. The nibbling always tickled her nerves sending pleasant pulsating sensations through all her body. Sometimes the sensations were so extreme that she had to beg him to stop.

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Nnamdi’s apartment was a one bedroom flat located in Ogui road axis of the city. Three blocks of flats separated from each other by tall green shrubs planted around the perimeter of each building. Nnamdi’s house was painted with light blue texcoat paint. All rooms were floored with ceramics tiles. The living room, a moderately sized room was sparsely furnished with three plush cushion chairs, a cuvet glass 4/5” cocktail table served as the center table and a 21 inch Lg plasma tv hung on the wall. A ceiling fan hung from the ceiling. Four decorative portraits hung on the wall. At the right corner of the room, a quartz wall clock tickled away. The single sliding glass window in the room was covered with two pale green curtains which had flowery designs on them. Two spiral shaped fluorescent light bulbs casted a white glow across the room. The scent of Ambi Purr air freshener wafted across the room.

Chioma moved around with Nnamdi as he gave her a guided tour of the house.

A small dining room was tucked in-between the living room and the kitchen. A thermocool refrigerator stood close to the kitchen door. The kitchen was a long rectangular room with creamy tiles. Nnamdi had the basic kitchen items. An electric cooker stood near the wall socket, a green stove laid on a table, plates, spoons and other utensils were stacked in the cabinet on the wall. A water faucet stood over the sink. Chioma’s eyes fell upon a cup, a spoon and a tray which appeared to be the remnants of the last meal lying in the sink. Nnamdi caught her looking at the direction of the sink and offered a mock apology.

“Sorry dear I was in a hurry for lectures this morning and I had to drop them there to meet up with time”

“It’s a lie you are a lazy bachelor” Chioma disagreed as she hit him playfully on the shoulder.

The tour ended in the bedroom.  A small room with a single sliding window. A single set mahogany bed that was wide enough to fit in two people occupied a large portion of the room. The mattress was covered with a plain white bed-sheet and two duvets. The bed felt warm and inviting as Chioma sat on it. Nnamdi eyed her and the bed mischievously. His wardrobe was built opposite the bed. Three wallpaper arts were displayed on the wall.

“Well as you can see that’s all there is in this house. I am sorry, it isn’t much. This is where I lay my head”

“Come on dear, don’t even try to downgrade yourself. This place is absolutely fabulous! I couldn’t have thought of a better place to live in!” Chioma exclaimed.

She was beginning to see herself as the mistress of the house. She could see herself washing the dishes, preparing the soup, sweeping the house, doing the laundry, chasing Nnamdi around the house. It was only a matter of time.

“Make yourself comfortable. What should I offer my queen?” Nnamdi asked.  “Name it brandy, whisky, fruit juice, apple drink, water etc. I will offer anything in the world for my queen!”

“I want to eat first jor, do you have indomie?” She inquired.

“Yes there are some packets in the kitchen cabinet”

“Let’s go and get them”

They went inside the kitchen. Nnamdi brought out four packets of indomie from the cabinet. He announced that he was going out to buy eggs at the small provision store down the street as there were no eggs in the refrigerator. Chioma plugged the electric cooker and set out to prepare the indomie meal. Nnamdi was back with the eggs in no time.

“Now run along let me prepare a decent indomie meal for you tonight!” Chioma said and made a move to chase Nnamdi out of the kitchen. She was delighted with her current position as the madam of the house.

He ran out laughing.

From the kitchen she could hear the home theatre system playing in the living room and as she pricked her ears she caught the lyrics of an Eminem track.

“I'm beginnin' to feel like a Rap God, Rap God

All my people from the front to the back nod, back nod

Now who thinks their arms are long enough to slap box, slap box

They said I rap like a robot, so call me rap-bot”

“How unromantic” Chioma sighed to herself as she stirred the noodles in the pot.

The evening was a pleasant one for Chioma; one of the best that she had in a long while. Lying on the couch and watching a Nollywood movie with Nnamdi brought a sense of marital bliss to her. She admitted to herself that she loved it here. She would be coming more often to her boyfriend’s place.

The night went on well. Nnamdi slept on his couch in the living room while she was in the bedroom. The apprehensive feelings returned to her. Will Nnamdi sneak into the room at midnight? will she be able to resist him if he made sexual overtures? The unanswered questions troubled her mind as she drifted into dreamland….a world where there was a constant pattering of tiny baby feet around a home filled with laughter and joy.

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TO BE CONTINUED