Sunday, 26 January 2014

THE GATES OF HELL SHALL NOT PREVAIL (PART TWO)


The van of the anti-fraud unit of Police C division sped away on the narrow asphalt road that led to the police station. Mr Douglas sat inside with the heads of the other seven workers. The “prisoners” sat in silence and exchanged furtive glances at each other, deliberating in their minds on the fastest way to get themselves out of the present difficult predicament. They were all visibly shaken by the events of the last twenty minutes. It was only Mr Coker Ajasin the head of the Personnel unit who appeared unruffled by the turn of events and maintained a dignified look with no creases on his brow.

“Please remove these handcuffs, we are not going to run away” Mr Coker Ajasin broke the silence as he appealed to the policeman who sat next to the door of the vehicle, his gun held in combat position.

“Oga you dey under arrest, when we reach station we go talk that one” the stern looking policeman responded in pidgin.

Douglas looked at the cuffs on his hands and gave a little tug, the steel clamps felt surprisingly light on his arms but it was doing its work as an object of restraint. He shook his head as he wondered how he managed to get himself involved in the whole muddle.  It all started when Mr Morgan his unit head approached him for some financial assistance….
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 “Darling what happened in your work place today? What is all these about?”

The anxious eyes of Ann wandered all over her husband’s body from the other side of the counter inside the police station as the paper work for his release was being prepared. She had come to bail him out.

On arrival at the station Douglas and his colleagues were taken to a holding cell in the police station and thereafter transferred to a large room for interrogation by officials of the anti-fraud unit. 

Douglas was tired and simply wanted to go home after five hours of questioning and cross examinations. He had told them all he knew. They were allowed to make two calls to friends and family to see if they could make the bail conditions.

Earlier on in the day Ann had rushed to the station as soon as she got a call from Monique, her husband’s secretary earlier on in the day. Austin had been discharged and they were on their way out of the hospital when Monique’s call came in. She dialed Douglas’s number but it was switched off. This put her into a panicky state and she rushed to his workplace only to be informed that he had been arrested and taken to the C-division police station.

“There must have been a mix-up somewhere”, she reasoned in her mind.  The Douglas she knew will never commit fraud.

She got to the police station only to be told by the officers on duty that she couldn’t have access to her husband as he was undergoing interrogation.
“Interrogation!”

That word sent shivers down her spine. Interrogation wasn’t a good word. It conjured up images of torture and beatings in her mind eyes.

 “I hope nothing happens to Douglas!

The officer talked about the possibility of getting Douglas out on bail. The fraud case was a high profile case that was being handled by the Divisional police officer. She would have to talk to the Dpo. Before then she had to seek external help and chief Agama came to her mind . She then dialed Chief Agama’s number.

Chief Agama was a Lagos socialite and business tycoon with connections in high places. He was a family friend of the Douglas and had gotten and executed some contracts from Magnum oil firm through the assistance of Douglas.
Ann contacted him and he agreed to stand in as a surety for Douglas. He pulled some strings through a series of phone calls and the Dpo was ordered to release Douglas on bail.


Douglas walked out of the police den hand in hand with his wife.  Some of his colleagues had gotten their freedom. Others were still inside making last minute efforts to get out. He was grateful to breathe the air of freedom as he couldn’t imagine himself spending a night in the tiny cramped cell.

As part of the bail conditions his two bank accounts were frozen by his bank at the request of the company. He had signed an undertaking to co-operate fully with the investigations and to report to the DPO four times in a week. His residential house was all what he had left.  The little money he had kept at home won’t last long. Survival will be difficult. It never rains but it pours.

“What really happened? Ann insisted.

“Dear it is a fraud case. Some of our directors were siphoning the company’s money secretly, an audit of the company’s accounts was done and they managed to rope me in and a few innocent colleagues.

“I swear I am innocent! It is a setup, I am just the fall guy and I will do everything to clear my name”.

 He took her hands in his trying to reassure her.  “We will talk more at home, how is Austin doing?”

“He was discharged this morning and was sleeping peacefully when I left home for the police station. Mercy is taking care of him. Don’t worry I settled his medical bills”.

“Thanks dear what would I do without you”

They got into her blue camry and drove away.
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“I cover myself with the blood of Jesus! I cover this entire house with the blood of Jesus! I come against every evil manipulation by the devil and his agents! The gates of hell shall not prevail!!…….”

Mercy was up on her feet pacing across her room praying. It was 3AM and she had woken up gasping for breath from a horrible dream experience where she had felt strange movements all over her body. Someone or something was clutching her neck trying to strangle her.  As she prayed she burst out into tongues …….not caring if Mr Douglas or anyone else heard her.

She strongly felt the presence of something evil and sinister lurking around the house.

Pastor Timothy had told them back in the youth fellowship in her home church that the devil does not understand what you are saying when you are speaking in tongues, speak in tongues when you have life threatening issues because it gives you direct access to God.



“Aunty Mercy I heard you praying this morning” Wendy whispered to Mercy in the bedroom while getting dressed up for school.

“Yes I had a bad dream” I had to pray about it.

“Does God hear and answers your prayers?”

“Yes the bible says if you have faith like a mustard seed when you pray, you will have whatever you ask God”.

“What is a mustard seed?” Wendy inquired.

“It is a very tiny seed that has no weight. It can be blown away by the wind but when you plant and take good care of it, it grows up to become a big tree”.

“I will like to go to church. All my friends in school go to church”.
Mercy gave a sigh of joy. God was working out something on the mind of the girl.

“You should tell mummy, just keep on asking her everyday. Maybe she will let us go next Sunday morning”.

The kids sat with their mom on the dining table devouring the golden morn cereal breakfast. Mr Douglas walked in, pulled a seat and joined them.

“Who else heard someone talking last night? He asked.

Wendy quickly replied.

“Yes it was Mercy! She was talking to God, Daddy i want to talk to God too!

The couple exchanged worried looks. Douglas gave a slight laugh and patted Wendy’s braided hair.

“Wendy dear, don’t believe all that crap you hear in school. There is no God. You have been talking with Mercy huh? Don’t believe whatever she tells you about God”

Wendy frowned. She didn’t believe her parents this time around. The seeds of belief in God had been planted in her little mind. She wanted to talk to God.
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“Wendy hurry up! Why are you so sluggish this morning? You are late to school!”

Mercy queried as she stood by the front door waiting for Wendy to join her and Austin at the car. She was slightly annoyed at the slow pace at which the girl was moving down the stairs. She suddenly heard a thud on the floor and rushed in time to see Wendy lying spread-eagled on the floor.

Mercy’s loud scream brought in Mr and Mrs Douglas who came running down the staircase to the scene. Wendy eyes were firmly closed, she laid on the floor still, she seemed lifeless. It was an emergency. They bundled her up into the car and made a furious dash for Dr Kpangolo’s clinic.

“Damn!!! Why this recent spate of misfortunes?
Douglas hit at the car steering in frustration. What could cause my 6 years old baby girl to suddenly slump?”
 He questioned himself as he drove back from ”Bright Lads academy where he had gone to drop off Austin. He had left his wife and Mercy in the waiting room of the clinic. Wendy had been admitted in the intensive care unit and was currently being attended to by the medics.

“Aunty I think we should go to church, I don’t think this is ordinary. There is a God who knows everything and we need his help. I had a strange dream last night”. Mercy narrated her dream experience to her mistress.

“Mercy i don’t believe in your God and neither does my husband but if attending the church will change anything then I may come with you. Look at me, my expensive jewelry is gone, Douglas is in deep trouble at his workplace. Now Wendy’s is in a coma. This is the third day I have been absent from work, I am just tired.” She gave a sigh of despair.

“Aunty you should cast your burdens upon Jesus for he cares for you”.


Dr Eze breezed in with Douglas and invited them to his office.

“There is really nothing wrong with her, we only detected a slight case of anemia. The treatment will make her fine. She is awake now”.

Can we see her? Ann asked anxiously.

They were led into the room where Wendy laid, her body draped with white sheets. She gave a weak smile when she sighted her parents.

“She will need a lot of iron complex tablets daily to guide against reoccurrence, the doctor informed them.

“Can i pray for her?”  Mercy asked the doctor but before he could reply Mr Douglas had butted in.

“This is not a place for your religious display, this is a hospital!.

“Come on Douglas let her pray”, we doctors only try our best to cure, it is God that heals!

Exodus 15:26 says i am the lord that healeth thee. “Dear Jesus please heal Wendy of whatever sickness is disturbing her, she is your daughter oh lord, i commit her into your care, heavenly father let your mighty hands rest upon her……..”

Mr Douglas had turned away from the group and faced the door with a frown on his face, his hands stuck in his pockets protesting the intrusion of religion into his family’s privacy. His wife stood there quietly watching Mercy while the Doctor and Mercy bowed their heads in prayer.

Two days later Wendy was discharged.
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Don’t think for a moment I never felt the pain/you can’t imagine the hurt and the shame/they put the nails through my hands/pierce my sides /please understand it wasn’t easy but it was worth it/I really loved you so much I took your place/ I died for your sins, yes I am the one/don’t take it lightly what I have done…..

Ann was seating on the sofa flipping through the channels on the Dstv decoder when she landed on One Gospel channel. It was a Sunday morning and the video of Cece Winans’s It wasn’t easy was on the air. The imagery of the crucifixion of Christ that was showing on the screen and the lyrics of the song got to her and struck a chord within her. It brought back early memories of her childhood. In a short while she couldn’t control herself. She dropped the remote control and went straight to the bedroom.


“Dear we are going to church today” She announced to her husband who was lying on the bed scrolling through Vanguard online newspaper on his iPad reading his favourite political column.

He looked up at her with amazement written on his face.

Why are your eyes moist? He queried.

She didn’t answer but continued “We are attending the second service by 9am, I am going with the kids, you should join us! I have a spiritual reawakening.

Douglas stared at her.  Religion has finally gotten into her after all these years!!!  Women were truly the weaker sex!

“Are you serious Ann? You want to join the religious folks now? You want to pray and dance to an invisible sky daddy? You want to go and deposit your hard earned money to some Italian suit wearing, Ferrari driving, mansion living pastor? You want to be a bible thumper? Can’t you take the kids to the amusement park if you want a breath of fresh air?

“Dear its not like that. The kids have been indicating interest in going to church throughout this week. Wendy in particular wants to meet her friends in church. We could meet new people there. Let’s see it as a form of socialization”.

Mr Douglas shook his head and shrugged his shoulders.

 “You are free to go to wherever you want but you all should be back before 12 noon!”
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Rhema city was one of the mega churches in Lagos.  It was a 7,000 seating capacity sprawling edifice pastored by the firebrand Pastor Charles Zuzu who was a popular face on billboards and on television. His weekly 30 minutes with Jesus program on Skyline Tv had a huge viewership.

Ann Douglas together with Mercy and the kids walked into the auditorium for the second service. The service had already begun and the congregation was in the praise and worship session led by a young female choir member.

 The choir members were seated in their section adjacent to the altar and opposite the ministers. They looked exquisite in their blue and white choir robes. It was a mass choir with top class musical instruments. Trumpets, clarinets, bass guitars, piano, brass drum sets and talking drums were all used to make melodious music.  Almost all the rows of white plastic seats were filled up. The congregation danced vigorously, showcasing different dance steps; etighi, azonto and alanta.

Ann stood still gawking at the crowd around her. It was a total new experience to her. The last time she had been in church was 10 years ago. Mercy was dancing alongside with others. She was free at last to worship God openly!



Mr Douglas strolled aimlessly outside the house. He still couldn’t come to terms with the fact that Ann finally decided to attend a church service. She was a more dedicated atheist than himself. That was one of the qualities that influenced his decision to marry her. Her decision to go to church could be a response to the stress she had encountered during the week. Psychologists have a word for that. He would look up the word in the dictionary soon.

Mercy was proving to be the ultimate influence on Ann. That 19 years old girl had guts. He admired her for her religious conviction.


He pushed open the front door and got inside the house. He needed to drink a little cup of coffee.

Douglas what happened to you? Are you not the small boy who used to walk the narrow earthen footpath every evening in the village with your mum for the evening church service? Were you not the boy who used to sweep the church every Saturday morning? What happened to you? A still small voice sounded in his head.

Why did you allow America to change you? Why did you allow your Christian faith to be destroyed by the devil?

Douglas go to the church now! The voice sounded once again.

“I must be crazy, I am going delusional, a cold shower will clear my head”. Douglas said out loud. He dropped the teacup and walked to the bedroom.

 “Douglas do you know that your mother prays for your salvation everyday, go to church now! There was no respite from the voice.

Go to church now! Go to church now!
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Pastor Zuzu was preaching on the Pulpit when a man sneaked into the church from the back and went straight for a seat on the last row. An usher came and moved him forward to fill a gap two rows ahead.
Douglas was slightly uncomfortable as few pairs of eyes turned momentarily in his direction. He looked around and saw the faces of the congregation. They looked joyful and peaceful.

“Why are they so joyful?” He wondered. Are they not passing through the daily stresses of life?

Pator Zuzu’s message was on God’s love. Douglas listened with rapt attention while looking out to see if he could catch a glimpse of his wife and the kids. He wondered what Ann would say if she saw him now.
He was impressed with the young man with a smooth chin preaching on the altar making prophetic declarations with all amounts of confidence and power. He looked like a man in his late 30’s


“Brethren this is the time for those who want to give their lives to Christ. Don’t miss this golden opportunity to reconcile yourself back to God your father”. Come and drop all your shattered dreams, wounded heart, broken toils, God will turn your sorrow to joy”. The pastor appealed gazing into the sea of faces.

The choir struck up a solemn piece.

My lifetime, I will give God my lifetime/When I give God my lifetime
He will take care of me/He will never ever let me down/When I give him my lifetime


Douglas you know what to do! The voice in his head returned.

“No I can’t go out” he countered.

He looked on as a man on a suit walked towards the altar followed by a young lady on a miniskirt that exposed her fleshy laps.

Douglas move to the altar now….the voice in his head demanded.

“I can’t, I am jobless, why should I join them when I have been suspended from work?”

Two more people followed suit joining the sizeable crowd at the front.

He let out a gasp when he saw Ann walking with Wendy & Austin down the aisle.

Look at your wife and children out there. What are you waiting for? Join them now. The voice demanded.

“I am an atheist!”.


“Someone is still out there debating and arguing with the voice of the spirit, come out and give your life to Christ. Tomorrow might be too late” The pastor made a last appeal on the altar.

That was for you!…the voice said.

As the pastor and congregation stretched forth their hands to pray for the new converts Douglas found himself hurrying down towards the altar to join his family.

Hallelujah! Oghene doh!!! Mercy exclaimed when she saw her master and mistress with their kids in front.
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Three weeks after the Douglas family converted to Christianity the investigations into fraud at Magnum oil group was concluded. Mr Douglas alongside five of the suspended directors were absolved of the charges and recalled to the company. His bank accounts were unfrozen. When he got the letter of recall he informed his wife and dropped a bombshell.

“Darling I have a confession to make to you. I know God has forgiven me but I need you to forgive me. I took the missing Jewelry. I was with the paintings the night before you discovered the loss of the jewelries”.

“What! Where is the jewelry?” Ann shouted with a shocked look in her eyes.

“Dear it was just a coincidence. I was just looking up at the paintings and checking them when i noticed a slight depression on the back of the De’saille portrait. I dug into the groove and found the jewelry. I should have put it back into its place. But I was looking for money and I knew that the jewel could be financially valuable.

You see I discovered earlier on that Mr Morgan the director of the Sales unit had been stealing money from the company’s coffers. I confronted him with my discovery and he broke down and told me in confidence that he took the money for the treatment for his 14 years old daughter who was suffering from cancer. She needed to have an expensive operation in India. He promised to refund the money in three weeks time. He was expecting a substantial amount from one of his debtors. I went with him to visit his daughter to confirm if it was true and sadly it was so. I saw the young girl suffering and her condition almost broke my heart.  I couldn’t imagine Wendy or Austin being in such a condition.

 I kept his secret but as the deadline approached, he couldn’t refund as the debtor wasn’t forthcoming with the debt.  That was when I accidentally saw your jewelry. I showed it to Morgan. We took it to a trust worthy jewel valuer/dealer who estimated it to be worth at least 4 million naira. He offered to buy it but I didn’t want to sell it without your permission so we kept it with him as collateral and collected the money from him. Morgan used the money to replace the funds he had taken from the company but it was a bit too late as several financial rackets were ongoing in different units of the company leading to a secret audit of the company’s account. We were both arrested for fraud.  Morgan confessed to taking money and also showed evidence of having replaced it. That was when he and I were let off the hook.

The jewelry is still with the dealer and we will get it back once Mr Morgan raises the money to retrieve it”

“You should have told me all this earlier!”

“Yes I should have but I was afraid you wouldn’t see it my way and I didn’t know you will notice the loss so soon. I am really sorry dear you know we have not have trust issues in this marriage, I need to apologize to Mercy too”.
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It was Youth week at Rhema city cathedral. Mercy had joined the choreography dance group in the church. The choreography group looked dazzling in their white gowns and suede shoes as they came up for their presentation.  The Douglas family were seated at the second row. They were now full time members of the church never missing a single service.

Pastor Donnie MCclurkin’s “Days of Elijah” was the theme of the choreography dance. The song was playing on the church’s central sound system.

 Behold he comes riding on the cloud/shining like the sun/at the trumpets call/lift your voice/it’s a year of jubilee/out of Zion’s hills salvation comes!

Mercy jumped and twirled round on the stage in a special move that drew rapturous applause from the congregation. This was her happiest moment. She was performing to a 7000 capacity church crowd! It was a dream come true. She could see the happy faces of her master and mistress in the congregation looking up at her. They were both on their feet clapping.

Not a single soul was sitting down in the church as the congregation danced with the choreography dancers and chanted with a feverish pitch.

“There is no God like Jehovah!
There is no God like Jehovah!
There is no God like Jehovah!
There is no God like our God!
There is no God like our God!
Out of Zion’s hills salvation comes!!!!!”.









THE END.





Music credits: Kurt carr, Cece winans, Donnie MCclurkin .


Saturday, 18 January 2014

THE GATES OF HELL SHALL NOT PREVAIL!


Jesus something special supernatural about your name/Jesus sometimes happens when I mention your name/Jesus oh there’s power in your name!………”

Mercy Efe sang along with the Kurt Carr singers gospel track playing on her Nokia C3 phone. She lifted up her hands, closed her eyes and slowly turned her body in a spiral motion imitating the choreography dance move she had seen a dance group perform in church.

Mercy was standing at the center of the living room that Sunday evening, alone at home. It was one of those rare moments where she had the house totally to herself. She was 19 years old and was a house help to the family of Mr Douglas Edewor.  She came to Lagos from Ughelli and had been with the Douglas family for 5 months.

 Have you ever called on Jesus name? Supernaturally he turns your situation around! the lead vocalist inquired in the song

“Yes!”

Mercy shouted as she sang along. She danced totally oblivious to her surrounding, she was caught up in the spirit of worship in the heavenly realm.

“Young lady i can see you are having a good time” a voice sounded from her back.
Brought back to earth she stopped and turned round, her master Mr Douglas was standing behind her hands akimbo. He was a tall man with a cubical head, a wedged body shape with well muscled arms and legs, he was watching her with an expressionless face.

 Mercy quickly turned off the song, the reality check registered in her mind. Gospel music was one of the prohibited items in the house.

“Good evening sir” she curtsied, “I didn’t you know you were back”.

“How will you know someone else is in the house when you are busy fooling yourself with your religious songs?” he queried.

“Mercy come and get these things out of the car boot”
 A clear voice called out to her from the front door. That was the voice of her mistress mrs Ann Douglas Edewor.
They had gone out visiting some family friends and also made a short stop at the amusement park.


The Douglas home was an atheist household.  Mercy was quite unsettled when she came into the house newly from her village.  On the first Sunday of her stay she had woken up by 4.30am and done some chores in preparation for church.

“Aunty what time are we going to church today?” she had asked Mrs Douglas who exchanged quick glances with her husband.

“Ask your master” she had replied her.
The reply got Mercy confused. Right from that moment she knew that something was amiss.

“Mercy we are not religious people like others, you see we don’t do church business in this house. We don’t go to church. We live our lives according to the dictates of our moral conscience”.  Master addressed her to her consternation.

It was unthinkable to Mercy.  She came from a strong Christian home background in the village.  Every member of her family was involved in all activities of the small Christ hope church. Her father was an elder, her mum a deaconess, her elder brother was the Youth president of the church. She and her elder sister Mary were strong members of the choir. It was almost a taboo to miss a single Sunday service!

What kind of family stays without going to church? Jesus what have I gotten myself into!? She had wondered in her mind.

 Overtime Mercy accepted the situation with an air of resignation. She had no choice but to adjust to the situation in the household. Master was paying her well. 15,000 naira salary per month plus free food and accommodation was no joke. She read her bible everyday at her spare time and sneaked out to attend the late morning service in Rhema city church in the next street whenever she could. Mr Douglas, his wife and their kids were nice people, the only thing wrong with them was that they didn’t attend church.
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Douglas Edewor sat on the king sized bed in his bedroom, slowly unbuttoning his shirt. He admired the soft interior décor in the room. His thoughts fell upon Mercy who was gradually becoming a problem. She was becoming too religious for his liking. He could understand her frustration at not being allowed to worship her God openly but that was the rule he set and rules must be obeyed.

 He was 40 yrs old and with all his accomplishments in life he was convinced he had no use for God. He remembered following his mother to the church in their little town taking part in all the church activities as a kid. He was a dutiful kid who loved God.

 All that changed when he got a scholarship into Kansas state university USA to study Management science. The exposure he had to western culture and civilization made him begin to question the things he had been told about God. He became convinced that God was a manufactured being/concept by lazy minds to rationalize the things the mind couldn’t understand. He became an atheist and a free thinker.  His cycle of friends included fellow atheists like himself, young students who were bent on discovering the truth about life. In his third year he met Ann a fellow Nigerian who was a second year student in the same college studying Fiscal planning.  They got married two days after his graduation. He waited for her to graduate before heading back to Lagos, Nigeria where a juicy position at Magnum oil and gas Ltd was waiting for him.

Back in the country, he found the situation the same way he left it. A corrupt government with no concern for the citizens and zero development in all the sectors of the economy.  He saw the same hapless people who attributed every good thing to a supernatural being and every bad thing to a manufactured devil.  At 40 he was comfortable, he had a good job with six digits monthly salary, a car that rolled on bread wheels, a hot looking wife with two beautiful kids, a one storied apartment building and investments in stocks, all his achievements were done by him.

Mercy started teaching Austin and Wendy some of her bible stories in the first week of his stay in his house.

“Stop it, don’t brainwash my kids with your dogma and doctrines!”

He had shouted at her as he walked in on them from the garden. She was obviously taken aback but he knew she got the message, no Christian stuff in the house. His kids will be brought up as pragmatic liberals free from the shackles of religion.

She have stepped up her religious activities recently, imagine her dancing to a religious song in his living room! It sometimes amused him to hear her pray to a God he knew wasn’t existent, he overheard her talking about the salvation of his soul and mumbling some mumbo jumbo she called “speaking in tongues”.

He will find a way to curb her activities. He will instruct Ann to give her more work in the house. If that doesn’t work out, he will make her an offer to increase her salary if she stopped all her religious activities. The thought of the inner struggle Mercy will have in her mind at the offer to throw her Christian faith under the bus to earn more money brought a smile to his face as he got up and walked on the neatly tiled floor towards the direction of his private refrigerator to pour himself a drink.
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Mrs Ann Douglas gazed at the paintings hung on the wall in the living room in admiration. A couple of the 18th century French artist De’saille paintings and the priceless Italian artiste Michelangelo renaissance masterpiece were proudly displayed on the wall.

“These painting must have cost Douglas a lot of money”… she said to herself.  It was a Monday morning and she was ready to go to work.

She and Douglas were art enthusiasts. They had first met at Professor Martinez Sacher Art exhibition in Reddington hall, Kansas state university. A Nigerian living in USA, she had planned on staying back in the states after graduation from college. That was until fate threw Douglas her way. Douglas chased after her until she had to say “Yes” to him.

She found him to be a charming man who impressed her with his depth of knowledge and grasp of issues.  She had no qualms following him to Lagos, Nigeria to settle down.

 Ann was of average height, a curvy body shape with long dark hair, brown eyes and looks that could pass for the actress Genevieve Nnaji.  She wasn’t the religious type of person so she had clicked instantly with Douglas on that level. Her present job at Zity bank was a nice one.

As her eyes moved around the wall, she noticed that the positions of two paintings have been interchanged, someone had shifted their positions! No one else in the house had the permission to touch the paintings apart from her and Douglas! The positions of the paintings had not been moved for two years.

Ann rushed and quickly brought down the De’saille painting from the wall, her hands quickly ran through the back. The treasure was missing! The treasure she had hidden in a little groove at the back of the painting for two years had been removed! No one else in the house knew that she had hidden something at the back of the painting. It had been there for two years but now it was gone.

“No! it cannot be Mercy!” She could vouch for the integrity of the girl. Ever since she came into the house she had given a good account of herself. It cannot be Douglas either, they had no trust issues.

She will go upstairs to confront Mercy all the same. The treasure was worth a fortune. She had kept them in a safe box for three years but always felt uncomfortable. Thieves always go for the enclosures and safe boxes, they often overlook the unlikely hiding places.

 The treasure was a diamond encrusted jewelry that Sally a wealthy friend of hers had given her in college on the eve of their graduation from college as a wedding gift. The painting was the most unlikely place to keep the diamond. It was an experiment that had lasted for two years. No one else apart from her knew what was inside the painting. Now it was gone. She raced up the stair case.

“Mercy did you by any chance touch the paintings in the living room when you were cleaning up this morning?” Ann asked Mercy who was bent over a pot on the electric cooker in the kitchen.

“No aunty, I never went near them as you have always instructed me!” Mercy replied in an anxious tone. Something was wrong, she had never seen madam looking this distressed before.

“Mercy tell me the truth, someone changed the positions of two paintings. I kept a valuable item at the back of one of the paintings. Did you by any chance take any jewelry from the back of the painting? That jewelry is worth millions of naira! I will have to involve the police if you don’t tell me where you kept it”.

“Aunty I didn’t take it!” Mercy protested raising her hands up, shaking her head, a glimmer of tears in her eyes.

“Okay, help me search for it when you are done with cooking”, I am going to work now.

Ann could see the innocence in Mercy’s eyes. The girl wasn’t in possession of the jewelry.
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“Dear did you touch the paintings on the wall this morning? Ann asked her husband. They were sitting on the couch watching News hour on CNN.

“No, why are you asking?”

“Those paintings were shifted from their original positions and interchanged. I kept something valuable at the back of one of them, it is missing now”.

Mr Douglas got up and brought down the paintings.

“Look at the small groove I made here, I made it to keep the item” his wife said as she pointed to a small opening on the back of the painting.

He examined it closely and asked “What did you keep here exactly?”

“My jewelry piece, the one Sally gave me back in Kansas”.

Douglas expressed shock on hearing that she had kept such a valuable item at home and was outraged when she told him the probable naira value of the item.
“How could you have kept this all these years without letting me know? He demanded. He couldn’t fathom why she hid it from him.

“Sorry I had always wanted to tell you later”. She apologized.

“Who could have removed them? Mercy?

“No not her”, I have questioned her and she denies ever touching the paintings. I believe her. You know that no one else in this house apart from you and I have the right to touch those paintings”.

“I will ask her myself, we must get to the truth of this matter!”...in the meanwhile keep searching the house.
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In moments like this/I sing a love song/I sing a love song to Jesus/In moments like this/I lift up my hands to the lord.
Singing I love you lord/singing I love you lord.


Mercy laid on her bed, singing one of her favorite gospel songs. Her King James version bible was in her hands.
Mr Douglas had burst into her room interrogating her about the missing item. She had vehemently protested her innocence and had burst out in tears when he threatened to invite the police to question her. She disliked those men in black having heard stories of their crude and uncouth methods.

Stealing was a crime that she abhorred. Her parents were simple country folks who taught their children to be contented with whatever they had. She had tried to pray about the matter but instead what came out of her mouth was the song. Surely God will vindicate her.
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“Mummy i have a slight headache!”  Four years old Austin informed Ann his mom as he walked to the car to join Wendy his sister who was already seated waiting to be driven to school. They schooled at Bright Lads Academy Ikeja, a posh and highbrow school for children of Lagos elites.

“Mercy bring two Panadol tablets for Austin” Ann called out to Mercy.

Their relationship now was a little bit strained. It was two weeks after the loss of the jewelry. The matter had been reported to the police who had promised to trace and recover the jewelry. Ann had no confidence in the ability of the police to track down the thief/thieves and was gradually coming to terms with the loss of her expensive stones.

“Austin don’t play too much today, let your teacher know how you feel when you get to school okay?” Mercy instructed him while patting his head to encourage him to swallow the white tablet.

She waved as they drove them off.

Around 11 am Mercy’s phone rang. It was her mistress calling.

“Mercy drop ever what you are doing now. Find Sule the driver and rush down to the school and pick up Austin! I have just received an emergency call from his class teacher, he is very sick. I am on my way down there but I know I will be stuck in traffic at the third mainland bridge.

“Yes maam”.

They met Austin lying on a tiny cottage bed at the school clinic. He had been running temperature and vomiting all through the few hours he was in school. The school doctor informed them.
Austin’s condition deteriorated when they got home. Ann got back home and called her husband who rushed in rom the office and together with his wife took Austin to Noah’s ark clinic.
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Dr Eze Kpangolo the consultant and chief pediatrician Noah’s ark clinic examined the medical report of the boy lying under the covers of the white hospital sheet. He had his stethoscope hanging around his neck. He wore a white short-sleeved shirt on top of a blue jean trouser. A young man with boyish looks, he looked more like a rockstar than a medical doctor.

 He had put Austin on intravenous therapy. The fluid was trickling down the drip bag into the veins of the boy.  He had assured the parents of the boy that everything was under control. The necessary tests have been ran, nothing much was found. Only a few strains of malaria parasites which will be brought under control by his administered drugs. The boy will however be admitted overnight to monitor his progress. In 24 hrs he will be good to go.


“Mercy what is wrong with Austin and is mummy coming back today?”

Wendy inquired from Mercy. She was sitting at the dining table staring at the plate of indomie noodles prepared for her by Mercy. Wendy was 6 years old and was the first child of the Douglas family.

“I don’t know what is wrong with him, but he is very sick, I pray that he recovers soon, everything will be alright.”

“Mercy why is daddy always angry with you anytime you pray”?

“Wendy i don’t know but i am praying for him that God should touch his heart and save him.”

“Mercy your madam won’t be coming back tonight, she will be staying with Austin at the hospital”.
The voice of mr Douglas sounded from the balcony
 “Prepare a light dinner for me, tea and bread preferably. Wendy sweetie come over here”.
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Magnum oil services ltd was a corporate organization with high standards, a multinational oil firm with headquarters in New York and offices in major cities around the world. The company operated the policy of hiring only the best hands.  

Mr Douglas was one of the best hands that were hired 10 years ago by the firm. He had worked his way up the echelon to attain the post of Deputy director Sales unit.

Douglas’s mind was occupied with thoughts of his son Austin at the hospital as he alighted from his Toyota Prada and took the lift to his serene office on the third floor of the building. He would take a quick dash to the hospital to pick up Austin by 12 noon.
He had barely settled down to work when Monique his secretary barged in with an official memo.

“Sir this came in 5 minutes ago, a management staff meeting is scheduled to start in the next 20 minutes at the conference hall”.
“Really? Okay thanks”.

“Jide what is happening?  Why are we having a management meeting by 10 am on a Tuesday morning?” Douglas inquired as he accosted Jide Afolabi the Director of Communications, his colleague at the next office.

“Mehn it looks like something serious is in the offing. Big Sam is in town!”

Big Sam was the nickname they gave to Sam Walter the Chief executive officer Magnum oil Nigeria ltd.

“Wow the big guns are coming in huh?”

“Brace yourself for the impact of the bullet”

“What bullet? I am clean bro”

“Yeah me too”.

“Gentlemen we don’t have time to waste. I ordered an audit of our corporate accounts last month. The report is out. A massive fraud to the tune of 4 billion naira has been uncovered in this organization in the personnel, research, marketing and sales units. We are suspending the heads of all these units with immediate effect until all investigations are concluded. We are handing them over to the police. I advise affected staff to co-operate fully with the law enforcement officers in the investigations”.  Dr Sam Walter the Magnum oil magnate announced in his gravelly voice.

The meeting was over as soon as it started.

The different unit heads were dazed with the announcement. As they got to their offices, teams of stern looking mobile policeman were on standby with handcuffs to arrest them. Douglas was cuffed and led away. He kept on shouting at the top of his voice.

 “This is a setup! I am being setup! The truth will come out!”

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Saturday, 11 January 2014

Money making tips 101 #Satire

Before we begin, if you are still in the dark about what a satire is, please do a quick search for “satire” on Google……done that? Ok let’s go. As usual you can take this with a pinch of salt or with a cube of sugar.

-  Become a dating guru
It is no secret that some people have this natural ability to attract the opposite sex and are more successful at dating. There are guys who walk into a room, an occasion, a party etc & when they are ready to depart they leave with twenty phones numbers gotten from the ladies in the room while others struggle to get a single phone number. This is not fair o! If you are good at attracting the opposite sex you should let in your friends on your secrets for a fee. Become a dating guru! Even if the last time a girl agreed to go out with you was 15 yrs ago in your village, you can still pose as a dating guru.  I tell you there are thousands of lonely people out there looking for love. Set up an office and present yourself as a dating consultant.

All you need to start with is a small room, a table and two plastic chairs. Put up your phone number on online forums and watch as your line becomes a hotline. You can then start writing manuals, ebooks etc to disseminate your fancy dating tips. Give sensational and eyecatching titles to your manuals like “How to get any girl you want within 5 days! “How to get the Perfect maga/mugu in 3 hrs!”. Female students of higher institutions will form a large base of your subscribers. As your fan base increases your street credibility will also increase. I may even patronize you, you see there’s this cute girl with two dimples.…..Young lady i can see you touching your cheeks now….sorry you don’t have dimples don’t try to force it out, hahaha….oh I see you smiling now…..

Prepare for the backlash that will come your way when your sham tips don’t work and the guys under your tutelage end receiving slaps from the ladies. Be ready to be on the run when they come demanding for a refund of their money.


-  Broom sales:
We use brooms for sweeping. The broom is the symbol of the “APC” political party.  A look at the logo shows a hand holding a broom ready to sweep out PDP....sorry, corruption from Nigeria.  Investing in the broom making business can fetch you huge returns this year.  The current trend shows there will be mass defection of politicians from the Umbrella party & some “moneyless” parties into the APC. This means that there will be a lot of noisy rallies characterized by menacing hordes of broom waving masses this year.  By the way I hear when you join the broom party all your past sins are forgiven and washed away. You become a saint and walk around with a saintly halo around your head, you also become tagged as a progressive agent of change.

Sorry for digressing, make sure your brooms are brightly coloured with the green, white & blue colours of the party, this will make your brand standout from the competitors and your rivals will become envious of your success. Load your brooms onto lorries, camel, bicycles etc and begin a tour of the country stopping at different rally locations to make quick sales. Better still join the party and worm your way into the heart of the key members of the party executive in your state, you’ll be given the contract to be the sole supplier of brooms for all rallies in the state. A single broom can be sold for N500, imagine supplying 10,000 brooms at one rally! Do the maths yourself. 
The brooms are made from palm fronds gotten from palm trees, so be careful, don’t let our environmentalists sue you for deforestation practices. Don’t say I didn’t warn you.


-  Commercial Church ministry

The high level of poverty in the land coupled with the lack of fear of the lord has made young men & women to walk around claiming they have the call from God to go into ministry whereas all what they are after is monetary gain. You can join them, become a charlatan and open your own church. All you need is a small open space under a tree and few benches.
As your ministry expands you can start erecting a concrete structure. The sole topic you should preach in all your services should be tithes and offerings, always place emphasis on the benefits of giving in the sanctuary. To show your seriousness anybody that comes to church without his/her offering should be driven back. As your congregation swells in size so also will your income increase. Remember to locate your church in a street where “well to do” people reside to avoid financial embarrassment.

The internet has been buzzing this week with the viral photos of members of Rabboni Centre Ministries in Pretoria South Africa eating grasses on the church lawn as ordered by Pastor Lesego Daniel, the founder and senior pastor of the church. If the pastor a fellow human being can make human beings eat grass you can convince your flock to part with substantial part of their income to fund your lavish lifestyle. The pastor was feeding his sheep literally and at the same time saving money for the lawn mower. Wait! You think I am lying? You have not seen the pictures of the congregation crawling on all fours on the field chewing grass like ruminant goats & cows while the pastor walked victoriously on their backs? You are carrying last and need to be recruited to join LASTMA.


-   Government Committee member
You all know that we are currently operating a government of the committee by the committee and for the committee. I will not dwell much on this item as I had already written a post last year on how to become a member of a government committee. However i am currently lobbying to be appointed the chairman of the committee for the review of all sub committees of government committees this year. I have kept a stack of foolscap sheets in place. I hope to present this as the white paper in my final committee report to the federal government. Foolscap sheets are white in colour aren’t they?


-  Professional chatmate
 Some of you are just too good at chatting. I mean there are people here who are experts at chatting, they can chat from morning till night on whatsapp, 2go, facebook, bbm, viber etc. If you are that good why not advertise your service as a professional chat mate? You know people get bored from routine and stress they encounter every day. So they sometimes come online in the evenings to chat & to relax.  If you have a good sense of humour and can keep up a lively and interesting conversation you should start demanding money for your chatting services. If people can buy tickets to watch comedians perform dry & over recycled jokes, people can also pay you to make them have a good chat time online. Don’t let your chatting talent go to waste.  By the way all those still composing and sending Akpos jokes broadcast msgs need to stop. All these Akpos jokes stopped being funny since the beginning of last year. We are in 2014 for crying out loud!


-  Online propagandist/Lapdog
Online propagandists are people who are paid to spread a particular message targeted at a specific online audience. These messages are mostly political messages and are mainly targeted at swaying the opinion of youths online. In the Nigerian context they are sometimes referred to as e-rats and e-cockroaches running up and down disseminating information for their paymasters. If you have noticed lately there has been a proliferation of news blogs, political blogs and political article writers, 2015 is approaching and boys are not smiling. If you have a large followership on social media and this line of business appeals to you, you can use your leverage and put your followership to “good use”.

To be a good lapdog you must be creative, you must develop a thick skin impermeable to all form of criticism, insult and abuse that will be poured on you from the other side of the divide. You must also be…..err…..what’s the word again? Shameless! Yes no lie should be too absurd to be told, you must be able to spin lies that will even shock you. Discredit your opponent and do whatever it takes in selling your agenda to the gullible masses who hang upon your every word. There’s nothing like honesty here because your options must always be open and you should be able to switch sides in the twinkling of an eye if the other side offers you a better package. If you are a gentleman and can’t stand the mudslinging mehn you are better off sticking to writing stories and poems.

This is the season of open letters, a good lapdog should be able to write a 20 paged open letter for his pay master at short notice. This reminds me it is high time someone wrote an open letter to our girls. Why are they sticking out their tongues like snakes in photos these days? Is that the new trend or what? I saw one such photo the other day and I almost wanted to hit my lappy screen in irritation but i stopped because i know say if this lappy spoil na me go suffer am.


-   Musician
 When all else fails try music. Yes with the crappy noise that is released everyday by most music artists your song doesn’t have to make sense to become a hit. All you need is a good beat from a producer who knows his onions and a good marketer. You can voice over your nursery school rhymes over the beat. It doesn’t matter if your voice sounds like that of a frog/toad, the miracle of auto-tune is there to transform your voice and make it sweet and melodious. If you don’t have money to pay for studio time, you should consider starting your music career from Youtube.

Use your phone to record videos of you and your friends singing in your bedroom and  in your “buggati”. Make sure you are singing about how “Baba God don bless you with too much money” and keep asking all the girls to “wine their waist” for you. Make it short and simple.  Upload the videos to Youtube and go around spamming your friends on social media and internet forums with the links to watch it/download. If you are in doubt ask Vic O how he started.

Why are you giving me that blank stare? You don’t know Vic o of the “after party and “why evils” fame? Please don’t tell me you are living under a rock! Okay insure your ribs, make sure you don’t laugh too much, go on Youtube and watch “After party video” or download “why evils.mp3”….*humming yob yob yob yob yob evfrybodi hafter pari!!*
In no time you will join the Vic Os of this world to become a “youtube sensation”. You will get invites to perform in shows in London, New York, Hong kong etc. Never mind if the show is in a small room with 5 bored looking spectators. You can always photoshop the images and post on your instagram and facebook pages. We will all comment on the pictures and pray to baba God to make us hammer like you this year. If anybody criticizes your songs constructively or destructively ignore them, they are haters and haters are always gonna hate.
 If a song where the singers are basically only chanting “baby pull over show me your particulars baby pull over” has become a hit song, then yours too can be one. When you finally get a good beat, you can contact me to write nice lyrics for you for a small fee.


-   Professional beauty pageant contestant
 Last year i got many requests from female friends urging me to vote for them, their sister, cousin, step cousin etc in one beauty pageant or the other. I asked a friend if he was getting such requests and his reply was in the affirmative.
 Beauty pageants have become a booming business. To take part you don’t need to have the looks, body or shape of Naomi campell, Oluchi orlandi or Agbani darego. Just get to know the organizers of one of these mushroom shows and your name will be penciled down as a contestant. Money can be used to influence and fast track your appearance on these shows too.  The ideal age for a contestant is between 18 – 21, however if you are up to 35 yrs, your body can be enhanced to look like that of a sweet 19 yrs old through the power of makeup.

When you get on the runway make sure you catwalk like your life depends on it and show off your assets. You don’t always have to win the show as there are many side benefits attached to contesting. Who knows your future husband may even be seating in the audience watching your every move. With the plethora of beauty pageant shows around we will come to a point where a single individual will be wearing the crown of Miss Sun, miss Moon, miss Star all at the same time. For now we can continue with our Face of Maggi cube, face of Black soap, miss universe, miss earth, miss university, miss hotlegs, miss Techno, mistake etc.

Guys are also taking advantage of this trend. Mehn i wept for the future generations of one guy who posed almost nude in one of these Mr handsome contests on facebook last year….all na hustle sha. As an organizer you can make money from these shows by attracting companies and brands who are gullible enough to throw in money to sponsor your pointless shows in the hope of laundering the image of their ailing brands.

That will be all for now.