I didn't want to do this, this year but I have been asked to. So in no particular order here are my predictions for 2014, as always you can take them with a pinch of salt or a with a cube of sugar.
1) The price of Garri will increase to its highest level ever this year. Bad new for all lovers of garri, our staple meal will skyrocket in price this year. This will be due to high demand by the rising population and inability of producers to meet up the demand. To stop this garri crisis from occurring, everybody is expected to head to the farm to plant at least 10 stands of cassava this month. Remember to guard your bags/buckets of garri with all diligence as there will be many burglaries/break ins by garri thieves this year.
2) Marriage bloom. The crystal ball shows that there will be a lot of marriages this year. Ladies between the ages of 21 -28 should be expectant because their husbands will surface this year. However i am directed to warn such ladies that excessive demand for material goods & items will scare the husbands away. As long as the man has a job, two rooms, a mattress, a stove and two pots, you should consider his marriage proposal. I see 23 of my female facebook friends tying the nuptial knots this year. Men are hereby admonished to be wary of ladies with names like Monica, Linda, Suzzy, Tina, Gina, Cynthia & Diamond. Also ladies should be wary of guys with names like Melvin, Austin, Calvin, Clinton, Elvis & Davis.
3) Illuminati influence. Beginning from 15th March 2014, there will be a worldwide attempt by the illuminati sect to take control of the inhabitants of the earth and the affairs of the world through the use of sound waves via the medium of smartphones. To curb this impending attack everyone is advised to sell off their high end smartphones & tabs and donate the money to charity . Pick up a simple phone like the Nokia torchlight and use it for the duration of two months that this attack will last.
4) The epileptic electricity supply in Nigeria will be a thing of the past. There will be so much power supply that people will be calling on the new power companies to take away the light to allow items stored in the refrigerator to thaw.
5) Financial corruption will increase to the highest level this year. The Efcc will be scraped for lack of funds. Politicians will no longer be using Naira notes, they will all opt for the dollar bills in their daily transactions. By October 2014 a special cap/hat called “Farouk lawan style” will be popular among politicians. The cap/hat will have special inner enclosures for the stacking away of cash while being worn on the head.
6) 2013 was the year of etighi, azonto, gangnam style, skelewu and twerking dance steps. The crystal ball reveals that a new popular dance step will be unleashed by 4th April this year. It will be pioneered by Justin beiber & Miley cyrus. This dance will be a contagious dance and curiously will mainly affect people with tattoos on their body. This will be through electric impulses that will permeate through the tattoos areas and travel deep into the subconsciousness whenever the song is played. If you have permanent tattoos etched on any part of your body you will find yourself suspending whatever you are doing at any point in time and dancing along to the beat of this dance that will be playing in your head every 2 hours. To stop this mass hysteria dance from affecting you, send the sum of 200k to my bank account. Immediately your payment is confirmed, my team of prayer warriors and psychic observers will swing into action to envelope you in an impenetrable shield of protection. You can start sending the money ahead of time.
7) A lot of young people who are diligent in their work will “hammer” this year. Many students will willingly drop out of school to pursue their singing, dancing and acting talents.
The Super eagles will qualify for the quarter final of the 2014 world cup in Brazil. The quarter final match will be an epic game against a European team. The two teams will be tied goalless. In the 80th min of the match, one of the super eagles strikers will miss a clear cut goal scoring opportunity that could have won the game for Nigeria. The game will then drag on to penalties. The crystal ball was quite cloudy as to the final outcome of the game. Fans should pray that this striker whose first name is a tertiary colour & who flaunts a mohawk haircut should not be fielded by the big boss in that game.
9) Manchester united fc will be relegated at the end of the season this year. This will shock soccer fans around the world. The management of the club will sack the entire coaching staff and the team will move to a new stadium that will be christined “New Trafford”.
10) President Goodluck Jonathan will declare his intention to run for a second term this year. As expected he will be given the Pdp ticket, this will lead many disgruntled top Pdp politicians to move to The Apc. The other small parties will then move to adopt him as their presidential candidate. The Apc party which will be the major opposition will present Buhari as the presidential candidate and Obasanjo as the running mate. In a counter move Goodluck Jonathan will pick ex military president Babangida as his running mate in a fierce contest that will be tagged “Battle of the retired generals”.
11) There will be a lot of rain, sunlight and this year. There won’t be major hurricanes and natural disasters this year. However residents of Western, eastern & southern Nigeria are advised to buy canoes and paddles as these could come in handy later in the year.
12) By September this year Facebook and Instagram will be sold off to twitter. Twitter will become the biggest social media site. 2go will be bought off by Whatsapp.
13) There won’t be Asuu strike this year but university students will strike for the first time ever this year. Their demands will include free internet, monthly allowances and free marks.
14) Mtn and other gsm service providers will become more desperate in their marketing gimmicks. They will collaborate with certain rogue scientists to release insomnia inducing gaseous chemicals components into the atmosphere through their masts every day by 7pm. For us to enjoy sound sleep every night, we will have to text “sleep” to 4234 at a cost of N500 per sms.
15) On February 14, st Valentines day, a certain dark skinned hollywood actress with a curvaceous body, pretty eyes, long hair and finely shaped legs will ask me out for a date. I will decline her offer. This will infuriate her and she will get on her private jet to Nigeria to see me.
If any of these prophecies are not fulfilled by July this year, I promise to………………..deactivate all my social media accounts for two weeks .
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