Before we
begin, if you are still in the dark about what a satire is, please do a quick
search for “satire” on Google……done that? Ok let’s go. As usual you can take
this with a pinch of salt or with a cube of sugar.
- Become a dating guru
It is no
secret that some people have this natural ability to attract the opposite sex
and are more successful at dating. There are guys who walk into a room, an occasion,
a party etc & when they are ready to depart they leave with twenty phones
numbers gotten from the ladies in the room while others struggle to get a
single phone number. This is not fair o! If you are good at attracting the
opposite sex you should let in your friends on your secrets for a fee. Become a
dating guru! Even if the last time a girl agreed to go out with you was 15 yrs
ago in your village, you can still pose as a dating guru. I tell you there are thousands of lonely
people out there looking for love. Set up an office and present yourself as a
dating consultant.
All you need
to start with is a small room, a table and two plastic chairs. Put up your
phone number on online forums and watch as your line becomes a hotline. You can
then start writing manuals, ebooks etc to disseminate your fancy dating tips.
Give sensational and eyecatching titles to your manuals like “How to get any
girl you want within 5 days! “How to get the Perfect maga/mugu in 3 hrs!”. Female
students of higher institutions will form a large base of your subscribers. As
your fan base increases your street credibility will also increase. I may even
patronize you, you see there’s this cute girl with two dimples.…..Young lady i
can see you touching your cheeks now….sorry you don’t have dimples don’t try to
force it out, hahaha….oh I see you smiling now…..
Prepare for
the backlash that will come your way when your sham tips don’t work and the
guys under your tutelage end receiving slaps from the ladies. Be ready to be on
the run when they come demanding for a refund of their money.
- Broom sales:
We use
brooms for sweeping. The broom is the symbol of the “APC” political party. A look at the logo shows a hand holding a
broom ready to sweep out PDP....sorry, corruption from Nigeria. Investing in the broom making business can
fetch you huge returns this year. The
current trend shows there will be mass defection of politicians from the
Umbrella party & some “moneyless” parties into the APC. This means that
there will be a lot of noisy rallies characterized by menacing hordes of broom
waving masses this year. By the way I
hear when you join the broom party all your past sins are forgiven and washed
away. You become a saint and walk around with a saintly halo around your head,
you also become tagged as a progressive agent of change.
Sorry for
digressing, make sure your brooms are brightly coloured with the green, white
& blue colours of the party, this will make your brand standout from the
competitors and your rivals will become envious of your success. Load your
brooms onto lorries, camel, bicycles etc and begin a tour of the country
stopping at different rally locations to make quick sales. Better still join
the party and worm your way into the heart of the key members of the party
executive in your state, you’ll be given the contract to be the sole supplier
of brooms for all rallies in the state. A single broom can be sold for N500,
imagine supplying 10,000 brooms at one rally! Do the maths yourself.
The brooms
are made from palm fronds gotten from palm trees, so be careful, don’t let our
environmentalists sue you for deforestation practices. Don’t say I didn’t warn
you.
- Commercial Church ministry
The high level of poverty in the land coupled
with the lack of fear of the lord has made young men & women to walk around
claiming they have the call from God to go into ministry whereas all what they
are after is monetary gain. You can join them, become a charlatan and open your
own church. All you need is a small open space under a tree and few benches.
As your
ministry expands you can start erecting a concrete structure. The sole topic
you should preach in all your services should be tithes and offerings, always
place emphasis on the benefits of giving in the sanctuary. To show your
seriousness anybody that comes to church without his/her offering should be
driven back. As your congregation swells in size so also will your income
increase. Remember to locate your church in a street where “well to do” people
reside to avoid financial embarrassment.
The internet
has been buzzing this week with the viral photos of members of Rabboni Centre
Ministries in Pretoria South Africa eating grasses on the church lawn as
ordered by Pastor Lesego Daniel, the founder and senior pastor of the church.
If the pastor a fellow human being can make human beings eat grass you can
convince your flock to part with substantial part of their income to fund your
lavish lifestyle. The pastor was feeding his sheep literally and at the same
time saving money for the lawn mower. Wait! You think I am lying? You have not
seen the pictures of the congregation crawling on all fours on the field
chewing grass like ruminant goats & cows while the pastor walked
victoriously on their backs? You are carrying last and need to be recruited to
join LASTMA.
- Government Committee member
You all know
that we are currently operating a government of the committee by the committee
and for the committee. I will not dwell much on this item as I had already
written a post last year on how to become a member of a government committee.
However i am currently lobbying to be appointed the chairman of the committee
for the review of all sub committees of government committees this year. I have
kept a stack of foolscap sheets in place. I hope to present this as the white
paper in my final committee report to the federal government. Foolscap sheets
are white in colour aren’t they?
- Professional chatmate
Some of you are just too good at chatting. I
mean there are people here who are experts at chatting, they can chat from
morning till night on whatsapp, 2go, facebook, bbm, viber etc. If you are that
good why not advertise your service as a professional chat mate? You know
people get bored from routine and stress they encounter every day. So they
sometimes come online in the evenings to chat & to relax. If you have a good sense of humour and can
keep up a lively and interesting conversation you should start demanding money
for your chatting services. If people can buy tickets to watch comedians
perform dry & over recycled jokes, people can also pay you to make them
have a good chat time online. Don’t let your chatting talent go to waste. By the way all those still composing and
sending Akpos jokes broadcast msgs need to stop. All these Akpos jokes stopped
being funny since the beginning of last year. We are in 2014 for crying out
loud!
- Online propagandist/Lapdog
Online
propagandists are people who are paid to spread a particular message targeted
at a specific online audience. These messages are mostly political messages and
are mainly targeted at swaying the opinion of youths online. In the Nigerian
context they are sometimes referred to as e-rats and e-cockroaches running up
and down disseminating information for their paymasters. If you have noticed
lately there has been a proliferation of news blogs, political blogs and
political article writers, 2015 is approaching and boys are not smiling. If you
have a large followership on social media and this line of business appeals to
you, you can use your leverage and put your followership to “good use”.
To be a good
lapdog you must be creative, you must develop a thick skin impermeable to all
form of criticism, insult and abuse that will be poured on you from the other side
of the divide. You must also be…..err…..what’s the word again? Shameless! Yes
no lie should be too absurd to be told, you must be able to spin lies that will
even shock you. Discredit your opponent and do whatever it takes in selling
your agenda to the gullible masses who hang upon your every word. There’s
nothing like honesty here because your options must always be open and you
should be able to switch sides in the twinkling of an eye if the other side
offers you a better package. If you are a gentleman and can’t stand the
mudslinging mehn you are better off sticking to writing stories and poems.
This is the
season of open letters, a good lapdog should be able to write a 20 paged open
letter for his pay master at short notice. This reminds me it is high time
someone wrote an open letter to our girls. Why are they sticking out their
tongues like snakes in photos these days? Is that the new trend or what? I saw
one such photo the other day and I almost wanted to hit my lappy screen in
irritation but i stopped because i know say if this lappy spoil na me go suffer
am.
- Musician
When all else fails try music. Yes with the
crappy noise that is released everyday by most music artists your song doesn’t
have to make sense to become a hit. All you need is a good beat from a producer
who knows his onions and a good marketer. You can voice over your nursery
school rhymes over the beat. It doesn’t matter if your voice sounds like that
of a frog/toad, the miracle of auto-tune is there to transform your voice and
make it sweet and melodious. If you don’t have money to pay for studio time,
you should consider starting your music career from Youtube.
Use your
phone to record videos of you and your friends singing in your bedroom and in your “buggati”. Make sure you are singing
about how “Baba God don bless you with too much money” and keep asking all the
girls to “wine their waist” for you. Make it short and simple. Upload the videos to Youtube and go around
spamming your friends on social media and internet forums with the links to
watch it/download. If you are in doubt ask Vic O how he started.
Why are you
giving me that blank stare? You don’t know Vic o of the “after party and “why
evils” fame? Please don’t tell me you are living under a rock! Okay insure your
ribs, make sure you don’t laugh too much, go on Youtube and watch “After party
video” or download “why evils.mp3”….*humming yob yob yob yob yob evfrybodi
hafter pari!!*
In no time
you will join the Vic Os of this world to become a “youtube sensation”. You
will get invites to perform in shows in London, New York, Hong kong etc. Never
mind if the show is in a small room with 5 bored looking spectators. You can
always photoshop the images and post on your instagram and facebook pages. We
will all comment on the pictures and pray to baba God to make us hammer like
you this year. If anybody criticizes your songs constructively or destructively
ignore them, they are haters and haters are always gonna hate.
If a song where the singers are basically only
chanting “baby pull over show me your particulars baby pull over” has become a
hit song, then yours too can be one. When you finally get a good beat, you can
contact me to write nice lyrics for you for a small fee.
- Professional beauty pageant contestant
Last year i got many requests from female
friends urging me to vote for them, their sister, cousin, step cousin etc in
one beauty pageant or the other. I asked a friend if he was getting such
requests and his reply was in the affirmative.
Beauty pageants have become a booming
business. To take part you don’t need to have the looks, body or shape of Naomi
campell, Oluchi orlandi or Agbani darego. Just get to know the organizers of
one of these mushroom shows and your name will be penciled down as a
contestant. Money can be used to influence and fast track your appearance on
these shows too. The ideal age for a
contestant is between 18 – 21, however if you are up to 35 yrs, your body can
be enhanced to look like that of a sweet 19 yrs old through the power of
makeup.
When you get
on the runway make sure you catwalk like your life depends on it and show off
your assets. You don’t always have to win the show as there are many side benefits
attached to contesting. Who knows your future husband may even be seating in
the audience watching your every move. With the plethora of beauty pageant
shows around we will come to a point where a single individual will be wearing
the crown of Miss Sun, miss Moon, miss Star all at the same time. For now we
can continue with our Face of Maggi cube, face of Black soap, miss universe,
miss earth, miss university, miss hotlegs, miss Techno, mistake etc.
Guys are
also taking advantage of this trend. Mehn i wept for the future generations of
one guy who posed almost nude in one of these Mr handsome contests on facebook
last year….all na hustle sha. As an organizer you can make money from these
shows by attracting companies and brands who are gullible enough to throw in
money to sponsor your pointless shows in the hope of laundering the image of
their ailing brands.
That will be all for now.
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