HOW TO FIND OUT IF HE IS A HUSBAND MATERIAL USING THE REMOTE CONTROL TEST

This is a follow up to last week’s piece. We are using the remote control test to find out if he is a husband material. Yes I said the “remote control” test! Don’t raise your eyebrows because i am not talking about the evil remote control from the village. I am referring to the modern remote control; that small wireless electronic device that we use from a short distance to operate our electronic gadgets like television, dvd players, home theater systems etc.

Ladies before you conduct this test you have to first of all list out the qualities that you want in a husband. You must know what you want before you can get it. Write them down.

Can I take a sneak peek at your list? I promise i won’t disclose it to anyone….No? Oh i see he must look like Brad Pitt & like those two guys who was rumoured to have been deported from Saudi Arabia last year for being too handsome, he should be at least 7ft tall, broad shouldered, drive a Range rover Suv, have at least one million dollars in his bank account and also be good on….*coughs*...Alright.

It is a general assumption that before you set your mind on settling down with any guy you must spend some quality time with him to get to know him better, right?. This quality time includes the time you spend watching your favorite television programs/shows together. This is the basis of the remote control test. This test is best carried out when you have access to a cable television network e.g Dstv single view decoder.

      STEP 1
Take a look at his physique, is he lanky or muscular? If he is muscular and has an athletic body built, be careful when carrying out this test. Keep an escape route for you to run out in case things do not go according to plan.
Forget about being polite and good mannered, you are conducting a serious test here. When he is watching his favourite tv program or most especially watching his football club in the middle of an exciting game, take the remote control and switch over to another channel. Keep a straight face and observe his reaction.

-  If he shouts in anger and makes a quick move to confront you physically: It means
he has a short fuse and won’t be a good husband. He will be losing his temper frequently over minor issues when you both get married. A volatile temper will lead him into taking irrational decisions on the spur of the moment. These decisions may not eventually turn out well. Can you risk marrying him?

- If he hits you and snatches the remote control from your hands: You should consider calling it quits at this stage because that is a clear sign that he will be a wife beater. You don’t want to get married to a man who will be inflicting bruises on your smooth & supple skin at every slight misunderstanding, do you?

-If he looks at you in the eyes and calmly tells you to revert to the previous channel: It shows he is a man in control of himself and his environment. He will be able to take charge of issues with a cool head making rational decisions. His approval ratings should go up in your mind. Marry him when he proposes.

- If he keeps quiet, says nothing and/or storms out of the room: Be very careful with him. It means he is a secretive man and will hide his true intentions/things from you in the marriage. If you go ahead to marry him you will wake up one day to see another woman with two kids showing up at your door claiming to be the mother of his two kids.


You can repeat this step for up to three times, if he fails this stage you should reconsider your options in the relationship.


    STEP 2
This could be done on the same day or on a different day. As he watches the football game or the adrenaline packed action movie, tell him that you are changing the channel soon. Let him know that you want to watch “Strangers in the village” Part 4 currently airing on Africa magic or “Lisa and Maria’ on Telemundo channel.

- If he takes custody of the remote control, pockets it or hides it: He is a man with selfish traits and won’t be able to make the necessary sacrifices for you if you marry him. You know selfishness comes with…err...what’s that word?....Stinginess. This is the type of spouse that will be scrutinizing and reviewing your market list down to the last naira, reducing the quantities and striking off some items on your list. He will calculate and give you the exact amount of money for the purchase of the items leaving you with no extra bucks to buy that small silk gown hanging in the boutique showroom.

- If he gives you the go ahead to change the channel or negotiates with you to give him some time to finish what he is watching before changing over: You should marry him! He is a man that understands the sacrifices and compromises that must be in place for a marriage to work out. Negotiating with you shows that he will seek your input before taking major decisions when you get married.


     STEP 3
 This is a combination of Steps 1&2. Keep on repeating the two steps randomly.  At this stage he is supposed to call your bluff and question you about your sudden obsession with the remote control.

- If he keeps on saying “Yes darling anything for you, whatever you want to watch i am okay with it” all the time: It indicates that he is not firm and assertive. He will let you ride roughshod over him in the marriage. You will be the one taking all the major decisions in the marriage. You don’t want this do you? You need a man who is in charge and who can make decisions for both of you not a wimp who gives the green light to all your requests/suggestions no matter how ridiculous they may be.

- If he sits you down and frankly tells you to stop testing him, clap for yourself! You have found yourself a real man who has read into you and figured out that you are up to some game. This is an intelligent man who knows the essence of checks and balances in a marital relationship and will bring you back into line whenever you go astray. Propose to him!


Disclaimer: This test has not been scientifically, spiritually or socially proven to be 100% correct. If you are unfortunate enough to chop igbati in the process of carrying out this test, mbok don’t blame me, see it as a part of the learning process :D

HOW TO FIND OUT IF SHE IS A WIFE MATERIAL USING THE UDARA(Star apple, agbalumo) TEST

The Udara fruit is a popular fruit that blooms around this time of the year in Nigeria. You can see it everywhere you go;  At street corners, in the market stalls, in traffic holdups hawked by street hawkers etc. To avoid confusion I am talking about the small roundish shaped fruit with yellowish to reddish-brown colouration botanically referred to as Chrysophyllum albidum.

Udara is cherished by the ladies, they are the major consumers of this fruit.

Generally we have two major types of udara: the sweet and the sour variety.

You can conduct this test by buying the Udara fruit for her & sitting back to watch how she consumes it or by just random observation whenever you see her eating the fruit. It is preferable that you give her the fruit yourself so as to have control over the test process. Sit back open your eyes and observe carefully. You can always tell the character traits of an individual by his/her eating mannerism.

Give her the sweet udara variety.

Her first action will be to remove the tiny stalk that serves as the fruit cap/seal. She will then squeeze the body of the fruit releasing the juice and fleshy fruit pulp into her mouth.

 If she licks her lips & remarks on how sweet the fruit tastes, it shows that she is a good natured lady and will pay compliments as at and when due. This means she will live peaceably with you, your friends and relations.

How does she utilize the seed? You know Udara seeds are enveloped in a thin muscous membrane that is meant to be removed by the combined action of the teeth & the tongue.  If she swallows all the seeds alongside with the membrane, bro you need to watch it! This means she will swallow all your money if you marry her!

This is the type of woman that does not know when to stop.  If you take her with you for a little shopping she will buy up everything in the mall burning a hole in your pocket leaving you stranded in the shopping mall.

The edible fruit pulp of the Udara sweet variety is delicious and can be chewed and swallowed with ease. 

Watch her hands, if she turns the fruit inside out and uses her teeth to scrape off all the fruit pulp sticking to the peel, bro run away from her! She will be a compulsive consumer in your marriage!

If she passes the sweet variety test my brother you can heave a sigh of relief but before you bring out the ring to pop the question, just chill a bit and conduct the sour variety test because it is not yet Uhuru.

This should be done few hours after the first test or on a different day.

Give her the sour tasting variety. The type that makes you feel like you’ve received a slap on your cheeks immediately the juice touches your tongue.  Watch her as she eats it.

If she exhibits the typical knee jerk reaction by squeezing her face, exclaiming and throwing away the fruit the moment the juice touches her tongue it means either of two things:

- She is a frank & outspoken woman. This could be a cause for concern for you later if you go ahead to marry her. Never let her catch you with any woman in a compromising situation because if she does so, you will experience the truth in the saying “hell hath no fury than a woman scorned”.

- It could also mean that she does not have the spirit of perseverance. She will lose hope in the marriage at the first sign of hardship. She won’t be a loyal wife, the kind of woman that will run away from the home when you are broke.

However if she does not throw away the fruit but keeps on munching on it slowly in spite of the sour taste, clap for yourself  because you have found yourself a keeper! A woman who will not flinch when you experience hard times. She will endure the difficult times with you.

As she keeps on eating watch her facial features. If she chews the fleshy pulp to the point where it undergoes transformation and becomes a chewing gum, Bro please put the ring on her finger!! This shows that she will be a creative wife, she will stick with you and work things out together with you transforming the sour times into pleasant outcomes.

That will be all for. I know you will now look at the udara fruit in a different light. Next time we will see “how to find if he is a husband material using another unconventional method.

Disclaimer: This piece has not been scientifically, spiritually, biologically or socially proven to be 100% right. It was written under the influence of a sweet udara fruit plucked from the tree at Eka udo’s backyard. Put it to use at your own risk :D