Welcome To Mobile Number Portability War

After series of postponements, Nigerian communication commission, NCC, finally began mobile number portability (MNP) on 22nd April 2013. This is good news to gsm subscribers. The basic idea behind MNP is that a subscriber on a particular network can switch to another network while still retaining his/her number. For e.g you can port from Globacom to Airtel and use airtel services while still maintaining your 0805xxxxxxx number.

We gsm subscribers always view promos and initiatives by gsm networks with a measure of scepticism because in most cases we do not get full value and benefits of such promos. It is still early days yet, we will give them the benefit of doubt and watch and see the outcome of this MNP.
Click  here to read about the full procedure involved in porting your gsm number.

Like all innovations, adverts are coming out and already there is a fierce ad war.

Mtn (the yello boys) drew the first blood by luring away Hafiz oyetoro aka “Saka” to advertise for them. Saka features in soap operas and yoruba movies but he is popularly known for his hilarious roles in etisalat adverts. This was a master stroke marketing move as it aptly described porting as saka moving away from etisalat to mtn. The ad was released on tuesday 23^rd april. Click here to download the video to your mobile phone.

Watch the video below.





Airtel released their MNP advert on thursday 25^th april. The video shows an upwardly mobile young man relocating from his “No3” diladipated house painted with a yellow colour to a new exquisite neighbourhood with nice houses painted with red colours and he sticks his yellow “No 3” tag to the door of his new apartment. 

Watch the video below.

The ad appears to be a subtle jab at mtn.

Etisalat released theirs on friday 26^th april. I thought they were going to diss mtn but they did not. The ad shows a young man appealing to subscribers to stay with 0809ja the network that works.

Watch the video below.

 

We wait for Globacom to bring out their own MNP advert.

As the competition rages on, we hope to get maximum benefits as the different networks roll out incentives to entice their existing subscribers to stay with them and to attract new subscribers. We hope they will reduce their call rates and tariffs, improve network coverage, remove all hidden charges(they always give with the right hand and take away with the left hand) and give us unlimited internet data services.

I am particularly interested in the data services aspect. We have come of age to enjoy unlimited, high speed and uncapped data services in this country as it is experienced in other countries. Until 1gb internet bandwidth is sold for 100 naira i won”t be impressed. In the quest for better data services i have ended up using mtn, airtel, glo and etisalat sims. So i definitely won”t be porting. Will you be porting? The choice is yours to make.

Sleep Paralysis

                                                  (image courtesy of cindypweb)

10pm, Bedtime! Jenny laid on her soft bed completely fagged out, the day had been a hectic and stress filled day. While she slowly drifted off to sleep, she suddenly felt a sensation of powerlessness arising all over her body. It was as if a heavy burden was gradually being pressed on her body. She tried moving her hands and legs but they were like logs of wood, no movement! She tried screaming “Jesus!' but her mouth failed to utter any word, her mouth was locked! What could be the matter? Could there be someone else or an evil spirit in the room?....a few minutes later the heavy weight shifted from her body and she sprang up from the bed with her heart beating at a fast rate. Was this real or a nightmare?

Have you ever experienced such a feeling before? Science calls it Sleep paralysis.

According to Wikipedia; Sleep paralysis is a phenomenon in which people, either when falling asleep or wakening, temporarily experience an inability to move. It is a transition state between wakefulness and rest characterized by complete muscle weakness. It can occur at sleep onset or upon awakening, and it is often associated with terrifying visions (e.g. an intruder in the room), to which one is unable to react due to paralysis.

It is a feeling of being awake but unable to move. It occurs when a person passes between stages of wakefulness and sleep. During these transitions you might be unable to move or speak for a few seconds up to few minutes. Some people may also feel pressure or a sense of choking. (http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/sleep-paralysis)

What causes sleep paralysis? 

Throw this question at some people and their answers will vary depending on their beliefs. A typical African will tell you that witches, wizards and demons are the cause. Let us digress a bit; do you believe in Witchcraftcy? Ask someone on the streets of Manhattan New york or on the boulevards of Paris and you may get laughed for they will view the question as ridiculous and superstitious. However you will get a capital “Yes” answer from someone in the deep rainforests of Congo or a village in Nigeria.

Do i believe that witches exist? Yes, As a christian i believe in the existence of a Supernatural world that controls the natural world. However with Jesus christ we are seated above all principalities and powers including witches and wizards.

Back to the question what causes sleep paralysis?

• Stress
• Lack of sleep
• Sleep schedule that changes
• Sleeping on the back
• Other sleep problems such as narcolepsy or night time leg cramps
• Use of certain medications
• Drug abuse

Witchcraft pressing was not listed there. If you chose to believe that witches cause sleep paralysis, you might be right, you might be wrong. Sometimes we give the devil and his agents undue credit for things that they are not the cause. At one time or the other we all experience sleep paralysis, some people freak out, some people move on. .

So how do you deal with sleep paralysis?

There's no need to fear nighttime demons or alien abductors. If you have occasional sleep paralysis, you can take steps at home to control this disorder. Start by making sure you get enough sleep. Do what you can to relieve stress in your life -- especially just before bedtime. Try new sleeping positions if you sleep on your back and be sure to see your doctor if sleep paralysis routinely prevents you from getting a good night's sleep.

If your lifestyle and pre-sleep patterns are okay but you keep experiencing sleep paralysis on a daily basis, seek spiritual help. It is vain for you to rise up early, to sit up late, to eat the bread of sorrows: for so he giveth his beloved sleep(psalm 127:2)

You can read a full article on sleep paralysis here

THE 7 MOST LUCRATIVE JOBS IN NIGERIA (A SATIRE)

 

Are you looking for a job or contemplating a job switch? The piece below is a satire on the kind of jobs you should consider doing in Nigeria. Like all satires it is meant to be viewed as a constructive social criticism using humour as a weapon.

7.  Fast food joint/Restaurant Staff

According to an expert, 40% of Nigerians are hungry and go to bed on an empty stomach every night. If you are working in a fast food outfit or a restaurant you will always be guaranteed of having a stomach filled with food everyday. One of the perks of working here is that you will always have unhindered access to food meaning you will be eating your breakfast, lunch and dinner there and even have some take away for home at the end of your work shift. Do you know how much money you will save from buying food? The amount is priceless!

If you are a young single female it only gets better for you because you will be attending to a number of male customers most of whom will be young handsome single men who are looking forward to settling down. If your eatery is located in the neighbourhood of banks and other corporate institutions you will be receiving tips from the young corporate fat cats who will drop in there to order meals and snacks. Work on your smile, keep flashing those bright enchanting smiles and they”ll ask you to keep the change and even request for your phone number...you never know, this may lead to something good in the nearest future...like getting an engagement ring on your finger.

6.  Rent a Crowd business

Nigeria's population is over 160 million, out of this population a high percentage are unemployed, this is where the “rent a crowd business” comes in. Do you know that with little as 500 naira , you can hire people to do anything that you want?

Look for a place that will serve as your office/mobilization venue, give it a fanciful name and put up a sign that you are willing to pay a certain amount of money, let”s say 500 naira for an hour”s work. You will be amazed at the crowd that will show up at your doorstep. Among the crowd you will see area boys & area girls, bored children & adults, jobless & hungry nigerians, professional clappers & praise singers and political zombies & sycophants.

Look for a local politician and tell him that you can stage a rally for him, convince him or her to give you a certain amount of money as mobilization fee and you are good to go. Assemble your rented crowd, give them placards to carry, it does not matter if they can”t read what is written on the placards, the aim is to spread whatever message you want them to. When you are successful with the first rally, other politicians and interest groups will start coming to you to stage similar rallies or peaceful demonstrations for them and money will start flowing in.

You can then diversify into other areas like professional mourning services, where you will rent people who will cry louder than the bereaved at funerals and wedding attendees: people who will make sure that weddings held at churches with big halls are filled to capacity.

Start up now so that by 2015 when the crowd renting business will be in full swing for the general elections, you will have leverage over the many groups that will spring up to render crowd renting services to politicians.

5.  Professional Government Committee Member

Before now, being a member of a government committee meant sacrificing your time for a task that comes with hard work with little financial compensation, today the situation is different. Ever since our fedora hat wearing president came into power we have been practising committocracy (government of the committee by the committee and for the committee members). You really don”t have to do any serious work, all you have to do is to show up at the venue of the committee sitting and wait for your bank to send your sitting allowance alert sms. Your committee will be allocated a certain period of time to work and submit a final report, just show up at the committee hearings everyday and you are even free to doze off when the proceedings becomes too boring.

You can”t stay in your village and expect to be appointed to head a committee by the “oga at the top”. You have to go to Abuja and join your fellow “distinguished” nigerians to lobby for the position. When you are in Abuja, check into the Transcorp hilton hotel and lodge there (don”t say you don”t have money to pay for the luxury rooms, you can borrow from friends, when you are appointed to a head a committee you will always pay them back). That is where the power brokers go to chill off, hold their meetings and events and where you will have to strike an acquaintance with some of them. Also move around the posh and high brow areas of Maitama and Asokoro, you will find many of them here. If everything works according to plan, you will find someone who will lobby for you and ensure that your name gets pushed up to the “oga at the top”and you will finally a slot in the next committee that will be formed.

Now that you have been appointed to head the committee your mission has been accomplished. At the end the period assigned for your deliberations your committee will have to submit a white paper where you present your findings and recommendations to the government. You and your committee members know deep within yourselves that you have not really been doing the job well, so what are you going to submit?.....Don”t panic, you can pay someone to write a report full of technical jargon (Govt officials do not bother to read reports talkless of acting on them, as soon as they come in they are promptly filed away or swept under the carpet) or you can submit an empty sheet of paper as your final report. Its no big deal because another committee will be quickly set up to investigate the “remote and immediate causes” behind your empty sheet report. With luck, you can be even be appointed as a member of the new committee...Now your committee membership career is blooming.

4.  Dancehall music Artist

Dancehall music sells like hot cake nowadays. Go and look for a producer who can cook up danceable beats and hook up with him. You will then enter the studio with him to begin recording. Don”t worry if your voice sounds like a frog croaking, with Autotune audio processor your voice will be manipulated to sound like the voice of an angel. Your lyrics must be rhythmic and must include lines like “go down low, whine ur waist baby, i don hammer” etc. The lyrics should be limited to two or three phrases that you can repeat as many times as possible throughout the duration of the song.

Shoot a good video of the song and give it to Alaba boys to market it for you. In a short while you will “hammer”, the fame, money, ladies and guys will come chasing you.

3.  Baba Ijebu Agent/Forecaster

Thousands of nigerians play the Premier lotto game popularly called “baba ijebu” hoping to win the jackpot. People win various sums of money ranging from 12 million to 60 thousand naira. The game is based on people betting on a series of numbers and if they choose the correct numbers - they win! You can make money here as an agent. There are over 16000 sales agents in the western part of the country retailing the lotto tickets. However if you really want to make it big in this lotto business, you need to become a forecaster of winning numbers.

Migrate to Lagos if you are not resident in lagos because lagos city is the epicenter of the game. Tell the players that you are a prophet with a divine gift of predicting the sure bankers (winning jackpot numbers). They will not believe you at first, so you will have to look into your bag of tricks.

Find a lotto player, give him some money to spend recklessly and let him go round telling others that you predicted the winning numbers for him, the players will believe him.

They will start coming to you for predictions, then you will start charging consultation fees. As the number of your clients increase, double your fees. In a short time you will amass a fortune. When they complain that your numbers do not bring them the winnings, tell them that it is because they do not have faith. The gullible ones will keep coming while the rational ones will stay away. In a short while you will have to leave the town with your fortune or else your neck will be broken by angry and disappointed lotto players.

2.  Ex-Militant Amnesty Scheme

This one is for the guys who live in oil producing communities. Under the amnesty deal, militants who surrender their weapons and denounce militancy are drafted into the amnesty scheme for rehabilitation back into the society. So you have to become an ex-militant to benefit from this scheme. You can do this individually or collectively as a group.

Find at least 15 young men to join you and give yourselves fanciful names, you can use the title “General fire fire” as the leader of the group. Go to your village, organize a search party and comb everywhere for dane guns. Gather them together in the village square, get a camera man and a journalist to cover the event. Stand with your group and denounce militancy, announce to everyone that your group has repented from militancy and are ready for rehabilitation and reintegration back into the society. Never mind if those dane guns are rusty and have not seen action for years. Make as much noise as possible so that the news media will carry the news and draw the attention of the government.

If this approach does not work, get under the umbrella of a reputable ex-militant who is currently involved in the amnesty scheme and beg him to adopt you. If he does so, you become one of his boys. Your name will slotted into the amnesty deal. You will be flown abroad on scholarship to learn vocational skills. When you are back you will be placed on 75 thousand naira monthly salary while graduates roam the streets looking for jobs. You will then have time to flex and enjoy your life.

1.  State Governor

Become the governor of a state and you will have access to a bottomless purse where you can spend and splash money on anything and anyone that catches your fancy.